i'm a reputable source, bitches

It's a proud day here at Ham & Cheese on Wry. This blog has made its way onto Wikipedia! Do I have my own entry? Well, no. Am I listed in the pantheon of great foul-mouthed lesbian bloggers? Again, no.

But I believe I have achieved an honor even greater than both of those combined... My blog has been cited in the John Tesh entry! Even better? It's under the "Criticism" heading! Even better than that? My link precedes the Rolling Stone and The New York Times citations. I'm second only to CNN.

As I damn well should be.

See, long before I began fixating on The Hoff, I amused myself by dropping the old shit hammer on the tow-headed maestro of new age cheese in a little exercise I like to call The Tesh Experiment. Sadly, it looks like the impetus for this experiment -- The Tesh Cam -- is now defunct but thanks to Wikipedia and the hard work of one Ms. Harriet McNamara, The Tesh Cam will live in infamy.

Further Reading:
:: The Tesh Experiment
:: The Tesh Experiment: An Update
:: The New-Age Cheese Diet

I knew it was only a matter of time before my blog was deemed educational!

God help us.

Update: I'm not so reputable after all! Someone disputed my citation as well as the rest. The entire "Criticism" heading has been removed. Oooh, controversy! That's hot.

Thanks for the heads up, Rob.

do not taunt super [fantastic activity fun book]

Once again, I've been tasked with sharing some of my Hoff-related wealth with the masses.

Actually, if I'm being honest, this post is more of a preemptive strke against the flurry of emails that would no doubt await me if I didn't advertise the latest addition to to my ever-growing craptastic collection. It's a blessing and curse, really, to be considered a Hasselhoff outpost...

Anyhoo! Behold The Hoff Super Fantastic Activity Fun Book!
(PDF format; Adobe Reader required, yadda, yadda, yadda)

Credit/Blame: Dearest Meg

Got Hoff?
:: Season's Greetings from Curly and The Hoff
:: Irish Cheddar... and a Little Something for the Germans
:: May the Hoff Rise up to Meet You
:: Soap from a Dope
:: Wax On, Wax Hoff
:: A Wee Bit o' Schmaltz

vehicular manslaughter

My friend, The Hot Russian, emailed me this little gem which she found on Perez Hilton.com today.

I didn't get a chance to post about The Hoff's latest eyesore as I was on my way out to see The Devil Wears Prada (TOTAL eye candy, by the way! LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVED IT!). I came home ready to write something cutting and snarky and lo and behold, Sheila already has it covered. Sweet! She and I have a long and storied history covering The Hoff, you see.

Sheila, I echo your sentiments in that The Hoff was badgering those young women to get in his car in a most creepy fashion. If I may, I'd like to take my outrage a step further. After all that pleading and disturbing hip thrusting, the motherfucker had the audacity to eject that chick because of the distance to her home?!?! Are you joking me? That's more incredible than banging one's head on a chandelier whilst shaving.

What a dick! Certainly all that money he made from Baywatch ensures that The Hoff shouldn't feel the gas pinch. Cheap prick that he is. It's official: The Hoff is a jiz bag.

the phantom of the hoff-era

The Hoff has been rushed to the hospital! At first I thought maybe his creepy daughter attacked him or a disgruntled Sharpei nipped him in the balls, but then I read CNN's report further:

The 53-year-old actor... was shaving at a gym in the Sanderson Hotel on Thursday when he hit his head on a chandelier, showering his arm with broken glass...

WTF? Who has a run-in with a chandelier while shaving? Where was he shaving?! On the top rung of a ladder? WTF, The Hoff?

Here's my theory: The Hoff sang "The Music of the Night" to some chippy he's had his eye on. She rebuffed his advances (aka plugged her ears) and took up with a chap named, oh I don't know... Raoul. Upon seeing this, The Hoff flew into a jealous rage and tried to lower the chandelier on Raoul's head. Instead, he bonked his own noggin on it, sending shards of glass raining down upon himself.

Serves you right, The Hoff.

soap from a dope

My sickness concerning The Hoff was of my own making. I initially sought out images and links to revolt and disgust myself and of course, you, my readership. But now the sickness sustains itself. Word has spread that I am THE point person for all things Hasselhoff. As a result, my in-box is often flooded with The Hoff's latest garish doings... and I couldn't be prouder.

Today's eyesore comes courtesy of Laura. Thanks for sending, my dear!

I'm at a loss for a truly good caption for this photo. I will say that hand-washing will probably reach an all-time low if this soap dispenser catches on. Not sure I really want to lather up with Michael Knight's spunk, you know? Anyhoo, feel free to write your own captions in the comments.

Want some mo' Hoff?

:: Boobwatch, Indeed
:: Irish Cheddar... and a Little Something for the Germans
:: The Hoff Super Fantastic Activity Fun Book
:: May The Hoff Rise up to Meet You
:: Season's Greetings from Curly and The Hoff
:: Wax On, Wax Hoff
:: A Wee Bit o' Schmaltz

a wee bit o' schmaltz

I don't normally post syrupy, feel-good things like this but, well, it's just one of those days. I hope you all find this as uplifting as I did...

Click on the image to launch a PowerPoint slideshow. Hit the arrow keys or spacebar to go to the next slide.

Want some mo' Hoff?

:: Boobwatch, Indeed
:: Irish Cheddar... and a Little Something for the Germans
:: The Hoff Super Fantastic Activity Fun Book
:: May the Hoff Rise up to Meet You
:: Season's Greetings from Curly and The Hoff
:: Soap from a Dope
:: Wax On, Wax Hoff

the best o' '05, relatively speaking

Despite my earlier proclamation, I have one last entry left in me for the year. I was going to do a Top 10 Posts of 2005 list eventually but I saw a slightly different format on Sheila's site (via Ann Althouse) that I quite like. Here, dear readers, is a monthly breakdown of notable posts:

January

Boobwatch, Indeed
This, my friends, is when The Hoff sickness began. 'Nuff said.

Long Before Ben and Liv Stunk up the Screen...
A cable airing of Jami Gertz's Jersey Girl riled me up and made me a tad defensive of my home state. I mean, there's a reason I left NJ but I'd still like to issue this rule o' thumb: I can make fun of Jersey as can other former (and present) residents all I/we want. The rest of y'all sound tired when you do it. What else is in your sad cannon? "Why did the chicken cross the road?" and a bunch of knock-knock jokes? Seriously, get some new material. Or go pick on Connecticut or something. Move on or I'll be forced to open up a can of Coors Light on your asses.

But When You Shake Your Ass, They Notice Fast
Any post which contains the line "Seriously I'm so white, I make Debbie Boone look ghetto fabulous," needs, nay BEGS, to be resurrected.

February

The Tesh Experiment
The birth of Harriet McNamara, the rabid John Tesh fan/mail room clerk/ace bowler.

A Couple of Quick Niece-isms
Several gems uttered by the Adorable Five-Year-Old Niece when she was still the Adorable Four-Year-Old Niece.

March

On Movies and Molestation
I'm quite confident this is the only site out there on the Internets [sic] that can discuss Capturing the Friedmans and the diddling of Dudley on Diff'rent Strokes in the same post. If I'm wrong, please let me know because I might need to marry this equally-twisted writer.

She Bops
And lo, the birth of a new phrase on par with "Life is like a box of chocolates..." is born.

Next Week We Teach Her How to Funnel
The Adorable Four-Year-Old Niece begins training for her first keg stand.

April

A Public Service Announcement
I decided to give some much-needed assistance to forlorn Googlers. Lest you think it's a stuffy, tech-heavy tutorial, fear not. One of my lessons was the proper use of the term "tart cart." Never doubt my ability to be completely inappropriate.

And Now Is Zee Time When I Kiss My Own Ass
Because I'm always late, I missed my own one-year blog anniversary. But I had a brain fart several days later and marked the occasion by showcasing some of my lesser-known posts. Whoa... a list of posts WITHIN a list of posts. I think I just blew my own mind.

Chug! Chug! Chug!
A rare photo of Yours Truly... making short work of a pitcher of Brooklyn. 'Cause I'm classy like that.

May

Adam Sandler Doesn't Dice My Onions
Once again, The Lovely Jess and I take the English language to new and interesting heights. Or, like, you know... butcher it.

My Other Talent
I can "cook" too, y'all.

Sex Smells
Some pyschological insight into what makes me tick. It's as disturbing as you've no doubt imagined.

June

Resurrection
A desperate plea to a love nearly lost forever.

Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'
Here's where I took on the tools standing outside the courthouse in support of that horror show, Michael Jackson. Bunch of ass munches. I shake my fist at them.

Question
The first chapter in The Saga of the M-o-u-s-e (to be continued in July).

July

I Have Arrived!
This is when I knew I had made it as a blogger -- I received my first piece of hate mail. It was a beautiful thing.

Breaking News
The conclusion of The Saga of the M-o-u-s-e. Here it is months later and I'm still twitching.

I'm a [Last Name] Girl
This entry was a departure from the usual dopey tone of this here blog. I talk about my half-in/half-out of the closet status. I was really drained by the time I finished and I pretty much sobbed my way through it. But I'm proud of it and it helped me tremendously by writing about it. Once again, THANK YOU to everyone who commented and emailed me. I've never had such a response to a post before. Your words of support and encouragement helped me in ways you can never possibly know. So thank you.

August

It's a Boy!
I became a proud and doting aunt for the second time. Despite the grumpy face in the photo, my nephew has the biggest, best smile and he wears it often. His cheeks are the chubbiest I've ever seen and like his adoring aunt, he relies heavily on his woobie to help him sleep. In case you can't tell, I love my wee boy to bits.

The Alan Alda Sensitivity Project* or What I Learned from TV
The first in an ongoing series of life lessons and observations I gathered by watching copious amounts of television as a child. Perhaps the best quote of the bunch: "Charles Ingalls was a bit of a buttinsky."

Thomas
This is a story about the grandfather I unfortunately never met. This was another one I blubbered my way through.

Flirtation
The post where I punk'd my audience.

Traveling Show
This tale illustrates why Jess and I will never and SHOULD never become exterminators.

September

The Trunk
Despite the heartache and emotional shit storm she unleashed on my life, this is a loving tribute to the good stuff THE EX brought to it as well. Yet another tearjerker. Man, I was mopey this year.

An Ode to My Itty Bitty Titties
Small-chested girls represent!

Someone Is on Your Side
Some thoughts on my beloved Bernadette Peters after she suffered the tragic loss of her young husband.

October

The New-Age Cheese Diet
Just what you always wanted -- health advice and tips for a better life from the former cohost of Entertainment Tonight... The Tesh.

All The Small Things
Here's where I started my list of 100 things about me. I think I got as far as 40 before I quit. Maybe I'll get around to finishing it... maybe not.

#41. I rarely finish things I start.

November

I'll Have the Big Gulp, Thank You
A charming tale of mortification courtesy of my overactive pie hole.

Inside the Actors Studio with Curly McDimple
When I become famous (and I WILL), this is how I'm going to answer James Lipton's questions. Oh and I also go off on Rosie O'Donnell. In truth, it doesn't take much to prompt a Rosie rant from moi. In fact, I could launch into one right now. I'm totally serious.

December

Season's Greetings from Curly and The Hoff
Here are some Hoff holiday greetings to print out and share with your friends... or enemies. You can also hang them up at home and the office to ward off evil, scare away would-be burglars and the occasional annoying coworker.

The Alan Alda Sensitivity Project: Holiday Edition
Among the lessons learned: The Bradys should run FEMA; Shermie schooled whitey on the art of The Running Man; Santa really dicked Rudolph around; and Rankin-Bass is staffed by a bunch of ugly motherfuckers.

And that was my 2005 in a someone wordy nutshell. Thanks for being part of it. May you all have a happy New Year! And to my Scottish peeps, a very Happy Hogmanay!

All the best,
Curly

season's greetings from curly and the hoff

Want to get a jump start on your Christmas cards this year? Well, I've designed a few cheeky greetings to aid you in the task. 'Twas my pleasure to do so because, really, nothing says "holiday spirit" quite like my continued harassment of The Hoff. Click on each pitiful image to enlarge.

Happy Holidays!

Want some mo' Hoff?

:: Boobwatch, Indeed
:: Irish Cheddar... and a Little Something for the Germans
:: The Hoff Super Fantastic Activity Fun Book
:: May the Hoff Rise up to Meet You
:: Soap from a Dope
:: Wax On, Wax Hoff
:: A Wee Bit o' Schmaltz

wax on, wax hoff

Won't you do a good deed and help The Hoff remove his unsightly chest hair? Click here to do so. You simply place the waxing strip on The Hoff's pecs, press down and rip off that motherfucking hair but good.

Despite its hypnotic coils and intoxicating formation, you know the hair bothers you. So now's your chance to rid the world of this scourge. Get to ripping!

Sadly, a cure for the Speedo and the ill effects of listening to The Hoff's "music" have not yet been found.

Credits: Thanks to Mejack for the link who got it from The Roommate of The Lovely Jess. The Hasselhoff Recursion comes from Geriatric Punks.

Want some mo' Hoff?

:: Boobwatch, Indeed
:: Irish Cheddar... and a Little Something for the Germans
:: The Hoff Super Fantastic Activity Fun Book
:: May the Hoff Rise up to Meet You
:: Season's Greetings from Curly and The Hoff
:: Soap from a Dope
:: A Wee Bit o' Schmaltz

irish cheddar... and a little something for the germans

Sheila takes on Michael Flatley, he with the Feet o' Flames, in spectacular fashion. Please read it.

Oh, and speaking of cheese, check out Mr. October from The Hoff Calendar...

Is it just me or does The Hoff look like a member in good standing of Dykes on Bikes?

Want some mo' Hoff?

:: Boobwatch, Indeed
:: The Hoff Super Fantastic Activity Fun Book
:: May the Hoff Rise up to Meet You
:: Season's Greetings from Curly and The Hoff
:: Soap from a Dope
:: Wax On, Wax Hoff
:: A Wee Bit o' Schmaltz

may the hoff rise up to meet you

Slainte,
Curly

Want some mo' Hoff?

:: Boobwatch, Indeed
:: Irish Cheddar... and a Little Something for the Germans
:: The Hoff Super Fantastic Activity Fun Book
:: Season's Greetings from Curly and The Hoff
:: Soap from a Dope
:: Wax On, Wax Hoff
:: A Wee Bit o' Schmaltz

boobwatch, indeed

Excerpts from my conversation with The Lovely Jess upon discovering questionable pictures of The Hoff:

Yours Truly: OMG. I just emailed you a David Hasselhoff calendar. Someone at work gave it to me. It inspired me to research even more Hoff images and look what I found. He.is.such.an.asshole...

Jess: This shit is awful.

YT: Oh, it gets worse.

Jess: WTF?

YT: "Yes, David, now gather the flowers to you while giving the camera a sultry, come-hither look... That's right. Perfect. One more..."

YT: I cannot stop looking at these. I keep finding more and more repellent images. It's becoming a sickness.

YT: Um, David... Yanni called and he wants his shirt back:

Jess: "All images excluding 1990 Calendar on this page scanned from the webmaster's personal collection -- © Nat, Annie." Nat and Annie FRIGHTEN me.

YT: Dear Nat and Annie,
Guten tag! Wie gehts es Ihnen? Sie zwei sind MAJOR FUCKING HEADCASES!

Tschus!
Curly McDimple

YT: "Come closer! Closer! We want to keel you!"

Jess: I just showed them to The Roommate. She said, "Oh man, I had to save the one of him holding the jewelry up to his mouth like he is going to eat it."

YT: "David, your patriotism is admirable but you angered the VFW when you swiped the flag from their foyer."

Jess: OMG...just opened the email you sent.

YT: LOOK AT APRIL!

Jess: OMG OMG OMG. There are no words.

P.S. Sheila has loads of these up on her site! The comments are absolutely killing me. GO NOW!

Want some mo' Hoff?
:: Irish Cheddar... and a Little Something for the Germans
:: The Hoff Super Fantastic Activity Fun Book
:: May the Hoff Rise up to Meet You
:: Season's Greetings from Curly and The Hoff
:: Soap from a Dope
:: Wax On, Wax Hoff
:: A Wee Bit o' Schmaltz