pre-thanksgiving leftovers

It's time once again, boys and girls, to resurrect my infamous take on the beloved holiday special, A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving.

It's become a tradition of sorts to share this tale with blog readers old and new. Translation: I'm too lazy to write something new every year. So, here, for your annual enjoyment, is On Thanksgiving and Why I Think Peppermint Patty Is a Big Ol' Bitch.

For your further entertainment, here's a great story of a family who celebrates "Snoopy Thanksgiving" every year. Complete with pictures of the unconventional feast! How awesome is that?

In case you've missed it, A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving will air Tuesday, November 20 at 8/7 C on ABC.

Happy Thanksgiving!

what's cooler than bein' cool?

Sally Brown shakin' it like a Polaroid picture, that's what...

(via TV Squad)

a tradition of sorts

Thanks to my trusty StatCounter, I can see that lots o' people are finding my site because of their interest in the cultural wonder that is A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving.

Why are these holiday special-minded Googlers finding Ham & Cheese on Wry, you ask? Could it be... oh, I don't know... because I called one of the Peanuts players a snatch?! Of course, there's also the time that I outed two of them...

Either way, welcome. Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving!

debunking the myth about marcie's sexuality

More than one person has found his/her way to Ham & Cheese on Wry by questioning the nature of the relationship between one miss Peppermint Patty and her bespectacled buddy, Marcie.

Because I'm one of the gays and, you know, we all know each other, I can say without equivocation that no, Marcie is not a sister. It chagrins me to do so since, clearly, the recruitment efforts of another lesbian (hello, Peppermint Patty) were less-than-successful. But fear not, fellow dykes, at last check, Patty had surrendered her decoder ring and the secret handshake was changed so that she is no longer in-the-know. We can't have that kind of piss-poor lesbian in our midst at the monthly meetings, you see.

But back to Marcie... Total breeder. A breeder with jungle fever, no less. Girlfriend's totally got it bad for Franklin. And didn't she and Pierre partake in a little sumpin' sumpin' on that trip to France? Or am I mistaken? That Marcie gets around, yo. Not too shabby for a girl with Coke-bottle glasses and stringy hair.

Perhaps Marcie had a drunken one-time fling with Patty, but that's about it. If I had to guess, I'd say that dalliance occurred during the river rafting trip. Lesbian camping skills are a complete turn-on, after all.

If you want to discuss raging dykes within the Peanuts set, I'd say to look no further than The Little Red-Haired Girl. She's completely dismissive of Charlie Brown's advances. Downright hostile, you could say. I mean, I realize Charlie Brown could send Ann Coulter running into the loving arms of Condoleezza, but that's neither here or there. Besides, Condi's probably already hit that. Awwwwwwwwwww snap! Take down! Two points!

Ahem. The Little Red-Haired Girl is a complete closet case, if you ask me. But she'll soon discover her true self. It won't be long before she's the one calling Peppermint Patty "Sir," if you catch my meaning.

Psst, it means that Peppermint Patty is a stone butch. A total top, if you will.

Ew, you do NOT want to know what I just visualized. :: shudder ::

Photo: Peanuts

the alan alda sensitivity project: holiday edition

Here are a few lessons I gleaned from holiday specials during my impressionable youth and beyond. (Items 1-10 in this series can be found here. Number 11 is here.)

12) If a loved one is trapped under rubble and cannot be rescued by emergency personnel, start singing "O Come All Ye Faithful" and your family member will suddenly extricate him/herself from the wreckage and walk away from the accident scene with only a bump or two and some scratches. Note: All limbs and appendages will be intact. The victim will not have to free himself by say, sawing off his leg with a pocket knife or a rusty piece of shrapnel. Suddenly bursting into song will miraculously lift the heavy rubble thereby releasing said loved one sans paralysis. This knowledge comes courtesy of A Very Brady Christmas.

13) Santa was a bit of a dick in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. One minute he's ripping Rudloph a new one because of his funky nose and then when he realized the fog totally fucked him over, he was all up in Rudolph's stuff asking him to guide his sled. WTF?! I'm a bit disappointed that Rudolph didn't tell that user bitch to fuck off. I certainly would have.

14) Speaking of Rudolph... Hermey the Elf and Charlie in the Box? Totally gay for each other.

15) Even though he fails to get credit in the annals of dance history, Shermie (right) totally invented The Running Man in A Charlie Brown Christmas.

16) This is more of a question than an observation... How come nobody kicked the shit out of Albert in 'Twas the Night Before Christmas? Dude, if some asshole pissed off Santa by writing a letter on my behalf claiming Santa was a "fraudulent myth," I'd calculate the value of my Christmas list and then take it out of his ass. I don't care that he fixed the Santa clock. Albert was a total douche bag.

17) I would go hungry in Who-ville. Roast beast? Who-hash? Ew.

18) Someone who worked at Rankin-Bass was one ugly son of a bitch what with all the big ear/big nose plotlines (Rudolph, Nestor the Long-Eared Donkey, Baby New Year). Clearly, someone was using claymation to work out his/her issues.

As always, feel free to tack on your observations in the comments.

a holiday chestnut

The beauty of having a blog that's more than a year old is that I can now recycle content. Those of you who have been here since the beginning might not appreciate the idea of leftovers (especially since you're about to embark on a week's worth of reheated turkey, turkey sandwiches, turkey soup, etc.) but, well, I've been busy these days and not feeling all that creative to boot. What better time for a rerun?

And so, I present to you, a reissue of last year's Thanksgiving offering from Yours Truly...

on thanksgiving and why i think peppermint patty is a big ol' bitch
I'm heading out to New Jersey tomorrow to spend the holiday with my family. I love Thanksgiving... even though I don't eat turkey or most things that cluck, oink or moo. However, my mother makes enough veggie side dishes to keep me good and bloated the entire weekend. [Note to self: Wear pants with an elastic waistband.]

Fortunately, my mother now lets me sleep late on Thanksgiving morning. She used to wake up the family and make us go to church, you see. This was always a bone of contention because all I wanted to do was lounge around in my PJs and watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade. But she won the battle (like I had a chance!) and off we went to church.

Truthfully, it was a nice service. During the Mass, each family received a small loaf of bread to be shared at the dinner table that evening. After the bread was distributed, the priest asked the congregation to hold it up so he could bless it. This took one family by surprise because when they sheepishly lifted up their loaf, there was already a big bite out of it. My younger sister pointed it out and we giggled until we got The Church Death Stare from the mother.

In other news, ABC will be running A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving on Thursday night. You know, out of all the Peanuts holiday specials I've seen, this is probably my least favorite. [Full disclosure: I've not seen the more recent Easter, Valentine's Day and New Year's specials.]

The reason I don't like this particular installment falls solely on the shoulders of one Ms. Peppermint Patty. She's a tiresome figure in this outing. Actually, she's dreadful in all of her appearances but this one is particularly cloying. And yes, I have seen Bon Voyage, Charlie Brown (And Don't Come Back!) where she typifies the ugly American. But I maintain that her galling lack of etiquette on Thanksgiving, of all days, completely trumps her appalling behavior abroad. In fact, while I'm normally loathe to use this term, I'd go so far as to say that Peppermint Patty is a cunt.

Yeah, I said it.

Some background: Charlie Brown and Sally were all set to go to dinner at their grandmother's house. Then Peppermint Patty called and invited herself over for dinner. He tried telling her they wouldn't be home but she wasn't hearing it so being the sensitive and well-mannered young man that he is, Charlie Brown decided to host his own impromptu Thanksgiving dinner. He recruited Snoopy, Woodstock and Linus and together they assembled a feast of toast, pretzels, popcorn and jelly beans.

While the menu was rather unorthodox, you have to applaud their responsible and forward-thinking approach: There was no use of an oven without parental supervision nor was there risk of a salmonella outbreak caused by a bunch of rookies trying to cook poultry. Um, not sure how I feel about a dog and a bird preparing food but under the circumstances, I'll let it slide.

So Peppermint Patty arrived rocking her usual look -- shorts, a green-striped polo and Birkenstocks. The bitch could have at least dressed up a little. Oh and if her behavior thus far wasn't appalling enough, she had Marcie and Franklin in tow and not one of those assholes thought to bring the host a gift! And then when dinner was served, Peppermint Patty had the audacity to criticize the food and the table setting!! God, could she be any more callous and inappropriate? I want to punch her in that round, freckled face of hers.

Um, okay, I'm ending this now before I have aneurysm.

>> Originally published on November 23,2004

Happy Thanksgiving to all! And, um, Happy Plain Old Thursday in advance to my non-Yank readers!

on thanksgiving and why i think peppermint patty is a big ol' bitch

I'm heading out to New Jersey tomorrow to spend the holiday with my family. I love Thanksgiving... even though I don't eat turkey or most things that cluck, oink or moo. However, my mother makes enough veggie side dishes to keep me good and bloated the entire weekend. [Note to self: Wear pants with an elastic waistband.]

Fortunately, my mother now lets me sleep late on Thanksgiving morning. She used to wake up the family and make us go to church, you see. This was always a bone of contention because all I wanted to do was lounge around in my PJs and watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade. But she won the battle (like I had a chance!) and off we went to church.

Truthfully, it was a nice service. During the Mass, each family received a small loaf of bread to be shared at the dinner table that evening. After the bread was distributed, the priest asked the congregation to hold it up so he could bless it. This took one family by surprise because when they sheepishly lifted up their loaf, there was already a big bite out of it. My younger sister pointed it out and we giggled until we got The Church Death Stare from the mother.

In other news, ABC will be running A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving on Thursday night. You know, out of all the Peanuts holiday specials I've seen, this is probably my least favorite. [Full disclosure: I've not seen the more recent Easter, Valentine's Day and New Year's specials.]

The reason I don't like this particular installment falls solely on the shoulders of one Ms. Peppermint Patty. She's a tiresome figure in this outing. Actually, she's dreadful in all of her appearances but this one is particularly cloying. And yes, I have seen Bon Voyage, Charlie Brown (And Don't Come Back!) where she typifies the ugly American. But I maintain that her galling lack of etiquette on Thanksgiving, of all days, completely trumps her appalling behavior abroad. In fact, while I'm normally loathe to use this term, I'd go so far as to say that Peppermint Patty is a cunt.

Yeah, I said it.

Some background: Charlie Brown and Sally were all set to go to dinner at their grandmother's house. Then Peppermint Patty called and invited herself over for dinner. He tried telling her they wouldn't be home but she wasn't hearing it so being the sensitive and well-mannered young man that he is, Charlie Brown decided to host his own impromptu Thanksgiving dinner. He recruited Snoopy, Woodstock and Linus and together they assembled a feast of toast, pretzels, popcorn and jelly beans.

While the menu was rather unorthodox, you have to applaud their responsible and forward-thinking approach: There was no use of an oven without parental supervision nor was there risk of a salmonella outbreak caused by a bunch of rookies trying to cook poultry. Um, not sure how I feel about a dog and a bird preparing food but under the circumstances, I'll let it slide.

So Peppermint Patty arrived rocking her usual look -- shorts, a green-striped polo and Birkenstocks. The bitch could have at least dressed up a little. Oh and if her behavior thus far wasn't appalling enough, she had Marcie and Franklin in tow and not one of those assholes thought to bring the host a gift! And then when dinner was served, Peppermint Patty had the audacity to criticize the food and the table setting!! God, could she be any more callous and inappropriate? I want to punch her in that round, freckled face of hers.

Um, okay, I'm ending this now before I have aneurysm.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!!!