our version of rate-a-record

Jess: Were you a Faith No More fan?

Yours Truly: Okay, two things: 1) Nope, hated them and 2) You're not going to believe this but despite my hatred, "We Care a Lot" was stuck in my head just before.

Jess: Hated Faith No More. Huh.

YT: Well, perhaps hated is too strong a word... "Loathed with a fiery and intense passion" is more accurate.

Jess: Wow.

YT: Actually though, I only knew a couple of songs. The lead singer bugged me mostly. I didn't hate them. I just didn't see the point.

Jess: Huh.

YT: Are we no longer friends? Can we bridge this gap?

Jess: I think we'll be okay.

YT: I don't know. It's a wide chasm. Between this and my being okay with the David Matthews Band, I think we may have reached an impasse.

Jess: I just don't think I've ever met someone who actively disliked FNM. Of course, I also don't get what all the fuss about Radiohead is.

YT: Radiohead is a polarizing band. FNM is more of an annoying flash in the pan. I don't campaign against them. They haven't made my blog, unlike say, Hootie or The Goo Goo Dolls. The latter are my default shit bands.

Jess: Mine are DMB and Oasis.

YT: Sorry but Oasis is responsible for more than one snappy tune and I like them without apology. I also like that they spit and fight on stage.

Jess: It's okay. My hatred is irrational.

YT: You just don't like English people in general. You're an anti-Anglophile.

Jess: Hardly. I love the Brits.

YT: Your distaste of HP Sauce is a gateway hatred. It's seeped into people, bands and cities. In fact, you think Liverpool can suck it, don't you? You've punched people out for saying "spool of film" or "tin of mushy peas" and Typhoo tea makes you lose your shit. Crunchie bars outrage you. Don't even get you started on Tizer. Irn-Bru is for wankers, you say. And while we're on the subject, you firmly believe that only wankers actually say "wankers" or "sod off."

Jess: You are killing me.

YT: You're lucky I'm not, like, Polish or whatever because talking about kielbasa and pierogies just isn't as funny.

i'm a fan of chucking puppies myself...

Um, I know I shouldn't find this the least bit funny but dammit, I cannot stop giggling...

Twenty-seven-year-old Chytoria Graham of Erie, Pennsylvania was pissed at her boyfriend. Instead of whacking him with a cast iron frying pan or his golf clubs or something reasonable like that, however, she picked up her four-week-old baby boy by the legs and swung the infant through the air, hitting the boyfriend with the baby's head. (via BloggingBaby)

I'm sick and wrong, I know. However, if you picture that scene in claymation? Well, it's a hoot.

Update: Mejack and I discuss the physics of baby tossing...

Yours Truly: I'm picturing the baby being held by the feet and thrown like a hammer in track & field.

Mejack: See, I'm picturing holding the baby by its feet and doing like an airplane and swinging it around.

YT: I think you might get more distance if you toss with the feet. The head will provide some weight and carry it. And also, lofting it upwards by the feet will give you more air and better velocity.

YT: You know, so I've heard...

Fear not, we're both off to say a good Act of Contrition right now.

he will 'rize' again

The Lovely Jess and I tackle religion and offer some suggested improvements...

Jess: Check out this search term: "i need some hooping material for sermons"

Yours Truly: What's hooping?

Jess: I have no idea.

YT: I automatically assumed it was for a Baptist sermon in the Deep South. I have no idea why.

Jess: I was thinking hula hoop.

YT: I was thinking it was a form of religious dance. Like stepping or krumping in the name of Jesus.

Jess: I want Jews for Jesus to krump instead of handing out literature.

YT: "I krump for Jesus. Do you?"

Jess: "Jesus krumped while carrying a cross on his back."

YT: "My boss is a Jewish krumper."

Jess: "Jesus krumped for your sins."

YT: "Jesus krumped on water."

YT: "And on the third day He rose again from the dead. He krumped into Heaven..."

YT: Right? That's part of the Apostle's Creed?

Jess: Yes

Jess: Jesus and Judas had a krump off after the Last Supper.

YT: Yes. And Jesus lost apparently.

YT: Judas was the dopest krumper in all of Galilee.

Jess: Judas krumped off the chain.

YT: Is "dopest" still in use?

Jess: I don't think so.

YT: Or did I just sound like Katie Couric when she tries to sound all hip?

Jess: Kinda

YT: Crap. Oh, but let's face it... I'm not far off from Katie Couric.

Jess: You're less orange.

YT: And nowhere near as perky.

YT: Nor are my gums as huge and unsettling as hers.

Jess: Indeed

Jess: Man, religion would be so much more fun if everyone was krumping.

A very good point, don't you think? Pope Benedict, if you're reading this -- and I know you are -- The Lovely Jess and I respectfully suggest that should Vatican III ever convene, you all consider krumping as one of the changes applied to the Mass. Perhaps this exciting new element will help restore depleted congregations to pre-scandal numbers. Think about it.

duh, baryshnikov

This is what happens when Mejack and I try to discuss the Cold War...

Mejack: Did you see the movie White Nights?

Yours Truly: I did... IN THE MOVIE THEATER!

Mejack: SO DID I... TWICE.

YT: It was just once in the theater for me but there have been repeated viewings on cable on Saturday afternoons or whatever.

Mejack: Oh, I watch it whenever I find it. It's a gem.

Mejack: "WE ARE LANDING IN RUSSIA!"

Mejack: I love how Baryshnikov tries to flush his passport down an AIRPLANE TOILET!

YT: Yeah, really. What's that about? How big can a septic tank possibly be on a jumbo jet? All the KGB would need to find it is a skimmer, some gloves and a mask maybe.

Mejack: "VELKIM HOME, NIKOLAI."

YT: Just eat it, dude. Share it with your fellow passengers. Ask everyone to take a page and chow down.

Mejack: I know. Eating it would have been a much better idea.

YT: And then hide the vinyl cover in a vomit bag. Simple.

:: thoughtful silence ::

YT: You know, it's reassuring to know that I'm prepared to protect myself the next time I'm forced to make an emergency landing in a communist country.

Mejack: Especially if you are an illegally defected renowned ballet dancer.

YT: Because I am, you know.

Mejack: I'm not surprised.

speaking of christmas specials...

The Lovely Jess came over the other night to help me decorate my wee Christmas tree. We also watched a couple of Christmas specials, including Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Together we questioned the sexuality of several characters (I'll see you at Pride, Charlie-in-the-Box!), called out Santa on his prick-like behavior and made various and sundry other observations. For example...

Yours Truly: Why is that doll on the Isle of Misfit Toys? As far as I can tell, there's nothing wrong with her. What's her damage?

The Lovely Jess: Check out those fat ankles.

YT: Mystery solved.

ew

This afternoon's IM conversation with Mejack, the fucking rock star behind Me Jack and You're Not...

Mejack: I am with you on the pilaf.

Yours Truly: Awesome

Mejack: "Au jus" freaks me out.

YT: Ew, that's nasty.

Mejack: I know. When I worked in a restaurant I used to say AW CHEW… Chefs don't like that.

YT: I bet it goes well with, ew, brisket.

Mejack: I am also equally appalled by flank steak

YT: Ew, yes!

Mejack: Skirt steak

YT: Ew, yes!

Mejack: Sweetbreads

YT: Sweetbreads! Ew ew ew ew!

Mejack: Sweetbread is a nice way of saying COW PANCREAS.

YT: Ew.

YT: I don't care for the word morsels.

Mejack: EW. That one is just BAD.

Mejack: You know what I hate, and this is stupid, but any kind of cut of meat that is a "chop." I know that is strange but I hate it.

Mejack: Chops. EW

YT: Oh I know! I don't like when I pass a diner and see the sign: "Steaks and Chops."

Mejack: EXACTLY

Mejack: Like pork chop, fine. Veal chop, even. But just chop? NO.

YT: Oh man. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Mejack: My friend who lives in Colorado emailed me this morning and told me how cold it is out there and how she and her boyfriend and his dog get into their bed and have SNUGGLE BUGGLE TIME.

YT: Ew

Mejack: I know. I wrote back and told her if she ever did that again I will FedEx her a box of vomit.

YT: Like, when I'm in a relationship, schmoopie things are said from time to time... but when we're alone. I would NEVER EVER EVER tell anyone what I've said to people or what they've said in return.

YT: Oh, except that one time I told Jess some chick called me her "lover." That was troublesome to me and I had to share.

Mejack: I hate lover. Hate hate hate

YT: Ew and in the same sentence she also said "making love."

Mejack: Ew!

YT: Dude, I had sex with her on the 2nd date. We weren't making shit.

Mejack: If she worked in "caress," I would have kicked her teeth out.

YT: After I got that email I thought to myself, "Oh dear god, what have I gotten myself into?!?!"

Mejack: Ew, she said it in AN EMAIL?????

YT: Yes

Mejack: That's even worse.

YT: Well, she, um, wrote to thank me for, uh, you know, doing her and stuff.

Mejack: DEAR LOVER: I LOVED MAKING LOVE WITH YOU, LOVER. LET'S HAVE LOVEMAKING LATER, LOVER.

YT: I'm blushing.

YT: I told Jess what she wrote only because it bugged me and I didn't know if I was just being shallow and ridiculous. Jess said in reply, "Um, if things work out with this chick and I ever meet her, I'm going to have to pretend you never told me this."

Mejack: Understandable. Did I tell you about the New Light Syndrome?

Mejack: Anything can make it happen. In fact, it originated with a Velcro wallet.

YT: That is brilliant.

Mejack: I went out with one guy who during the regular get-to-know-you chit-chat thought it might be a good time to go ahead and inform me that he was into fisting.

YT: Lovely

Mejack: That is a new light but it's an obvious one. But it can be anything and you shouldn't question it if someone bums you out that quickly.

YT: That's profound. Thank you.

batter up

Yours Truly: I'm supposed to have coffee with a colleague who's in town for the day. I'm dreading it because she makes me really uncomfortable.

Jess: Why's that?

YT: Two words: pancake makeup

Jess: Mon dieu!

YT: Yup.

Yes, it's true... I have issues with pancake makeup. Laugh all you want and poke fun but that shit really disturbs me. As stated before, I'm really weird about texture so, not surprisingly, when I see layers of schmutz on someone's face at close range... well, I want to die. (Notice I didn't say "shrivel up and die" because the word "shrivel" brings to mind wrinkles, creases and folds. As you can imagine, that is a most unholy mental alliance for someone like myself who's not down with the whole texture thing.)

I interned at CNBC when I was in college and whenever I encountered pancake-wearing on-air talent in the halls, I had a mini nervous breakdown. I was on the elevator with a female anchor one day and she insisted on engaging me in small talk. Under different circumstances, I would have welcomed that. For example, fill-in anchor Sheila Steinback and I had a lovely conversation about Melrose Place in the pantry one evening. She hadn't gone to makeup yet so I was more than happy to chat with her about Amanda's latest schemes and the funky scar on Kimberly's melon. It was all very pleasant. However, had Sheila taken the Elevator Anchor's lead and tried chatting me up with layers of thick beige shit and primary colors spackled to her face, well... I would have asked Sheila to kindly do me a solid and disengage.

I'm still traumatized by Elevator Anchor's made-up face. In the light of that elevator, she looked like she had been prepped by a mortician. Since I don't make a habit out of talking to stiffs, this was NOT a pleasant experience for me.

However, I'm pleased to report that there's a happy ending to this ridiculous tale... the aforementioned colleague got sucked into a bunch of meetings and had to cancel on me. Pity.

priorities

Yours Truly: For the past two weeks in the w4w area on Craigs, there's been a deluge of posts about the Israel/Palestine conflict.

Jess: Really?

YT. Yeah, and now all these self-righteous lesbos are yelling at each about which side is right.

Jess: Ew. They need to take that shit somewhere else.

YT: I know, right? Some of us just want some pussy without all the politics.

why i'm still single

Yours Truly: So some online dating chick emailed me... I read her profile and there was a link to her website

Jess: And?

YT: It's hosted by Geocities and has embedded midi files and bad clip art...

Jess: 'Nuff said

on urban pirates and sketchy amusements

Jess: Hey, how angry would you be if you ran into these people at a bar one night?

Yours Truly: OMG, I hate them.

Jess: Ha ha ha

YT: Without even reading the whole article, I hate them already.

YT: Because when not boozing it up, you KNOW they go to Renaissance Fairs and speak like people in the Middle Ages and shit. OMG, I want to kill them! I'm seriously incensed by the whole notion of it. If those assholes came into a pub to plunder it while I was there, they'd meet heavy resistance in the form of my foot and a broken beer bottle.

Jess: Man, another kid died at Rye Playland

YT: Shut up! In addition to the kid who drowned on that ride the other day?

Jess: No, that one. But there was one last summer too.

YT: Wait, what happened last summer?

Jess: Some girl got killed on the Mind Scrambler

YT: Mind Scrambler? I don't remember that one. Oh, the irony.

Jess: Ha! It's the Scrambler, but in the dark with music.

YT: Oooh, that sounds like fun!!! You know, when you're not being flung from it to meet a grisly and untimely death...

Jess: Speaking of which, do you want to ride the Cyclone when we go to Coney Island tonight?

YT: But of course.

adam sandler doesn't dice my onions

Jess: OMG, I love the last line of this Gawker Stalker... "This past Saturday (5/21) on West 25th Street -- Jared Leto, not so tall and with a very short buzz cut, hanging out in front of the recording studio next to friends' gallery. Walked by him several times during the afternoon -- he and his 'band' were taking frequent smoking breaks -- and he looked my friend straight in the eyes in that 'you KNOW who I am, don't you' kind of arrogant way. He didn't grill my cheese at all."

Yours Truly: Grill my cheese! Ha ha ha!

Jess: I am stealing that phrase

Later...

Jess: From Adam Sandler's Fame Audit... "He may be in the $25 million club, but we liked him much better when he had a pickle for a moustache."

YT: Blech! I hate him

Jess: I love Fametracker so much. Oh man, they're ripping on The Wedding Singer, specifically on Drew... "All of which, by the way, were dressed and coiffed totally anachronistically. I mean, everyone in that stupid movie committed to looking ridiculous per the '80s setting except Princess Daisy, with her bob and her combat boots. There was no grunge in the '80s, bitch, and I don't care that she didn't realize it because she spent that decade totally shitfaced; someone should have taken her out back and given her a mullet, because if there has to be photographic evidence that I had one, she should not be spared."

Jess: Awesome

YT: Ha ha ha ha ha. That is awesome! God, I hated that piece of crap movie

Jess: I liked it

YT: No need to whisper. You and millions of others liked it. I'm one of the few holdouts. It had potential but Adam Sandler pissed it away with his broad comedy and lack of attention to detail. He's an ass and I wish he'd go away. In fact, I'd like to take him and Rosie O and crack both their skulls together and then ship them off on a piece of drift wood into shark-infested waters. But first, I'd bathe them in chum

Jess: But but... Punch Drunk Love?

YT: Didn't see it

Jess: But but... Billy Madison?

YT: I HATE BILLY MADISON

Jess: But but... 50 First Dates?

YT: Are you serious? Rob schneider AND Adam Sandler together?! Girl, are you trying to give me an aneurysm?

Jess: Rob Schneider?

YT: Dude, if you say The Hot Chick I'm never speaking to you again

Jess: BUT BUT... DEUCE BIGALOW

YT: Didn't see it

Jess: Deuce Bigalow is genius... Actually, I'm pretty sure The Roommate and I are the only two people that liked Deuce Bigalow

YT: I was more in the Chris Farley camp. Tommy Boy makes me incontinent

Jess: See? Chris Farley never really grilled my cheese

YT: Well done!!

Jess:

YT: Ooh, let's think of other cooking-related euphemisms for liking something

YT: Toast my muffin

YT: Pickle my cucumber

YT: Egg and bread my cutlets

Jess: Mash my potato

YT: Julienne my carrots

Jess: Scramble my egg

Jess: That sounds dirty

YT: Poach my egg sounds worse

Jess: And poach my salmon even worse

YT: Agreed!

YT: Season my potroast

YT: Adobo my chicken

Jess: Fold my crepes

YT: Roast my chestnuts

Jess: Flip my pancakes

YT: Press my waffle

Jess: Core my apple

YT: Gently fold my flour, baking soda and sugar mixture

YT: We really need to keep a list of these

Jess: Totally

outdoing myself

Yours Truly: When times go bad and you can't get enough, won't you lay me down in the tall grass and let me do my stuff?!?! Bam bam bam bam bam bam bam doot doot doot do!

YT: Sorry. Fleetwood Mac moment.

Jess: It's okay.

YT: "Second Hand News" KICKS my ass violently and then kills it and dumps it in the Passaic River

Jess: I am loving your exaggerated ass kicking-isms

YT: Why thank you. It's a new thing I'm working on

Later that day...

YT:Yours Truly: When I was looking for new songs to add to iTunes, I unearthed my X-Files soundtrack and it has "Walking After You" by the Foo Fighters on it. That is one of the.best.songs.ever. It paddles my bum as a tease and then unleashes a fiery torrent of lashes with a cat o' nine tails

Jess: Oh

Jess: my

Jess: God

on movies and molestation

Today's IM conversation with Jess...

Jess: Did you see Capturing the Friedmans?

Yours Truly: Yes

Jess: I watched it last night. I have to say, yes, I believe they were both pedophiles who did something, but those stories were beyond outlandish. What did you think?

YT: I think it's like the Michael Jackson case -- guilt + opportunism. Neither side is innocent

Jess: I found that one reporter's take on the mass hysteria angle really interesting. It made me think of The Crucible

YT: What really struck me was that it was supposed to be a documentary about a party clown and then the filmmaker realized the family history and focused on that instead

Jess: Oh, I didn't know that

YT: Yeah, that guy was like THE party clown of the NYC spoiled kids birthday party circuit

Jess: He looked like a pretty lame clown. No makeup, even

YT: I KNOW!!! He looked like Michael Musto but with bigger glasses

Jess: He was in serious denial about his family

YT: When I was watching it, I kept thinking of the original goal of the film. I didn't dwell on the whole pepdophilia thing. Instead, I got hung up on the question: "Who would in their right mind would want to do a documentary on clowns of all things?"

Jess: I thought it was really creepy how the son wanted to film everything. But at the same time, it was an interesting study into what happens to a family when something like that happens

YT: I need to see it again. I saw it when it first opened so some of the details are fuzzy

Jess: I didn't realize there was such a boom in false allegations in child sex abuse cases in the 80s. I would like to read a book about the phenomenon

YT: I blame it on all of those "very special episodes" of Diff'rent Strokes, Blossom, Growing Pains, etc. Once Dudley got felt up, that's when the dam burst and accusations started flying left and right. It can all be traced back to Dudley.

we like her, we REALLY REALLY like her

A couple of weeks ago Jess and I attended the event of the year -- My Gay Boyfriend's Annual Oscar Bash. It's always quite the scene with good eats and plenty o' snark.

My one complaint this year was that a small group in attendance wanted complete silence so they could hang on every word of every acceptance speech. That didn't sit well with those of us rely on verbal critique as a method of coping with the endless prattling. No one likes a Chatty Cathy but we were in a party setting, not a mofo library. If you need peace and quiet, stay home and watch it in your jammies next year, ass hats.

So, anyway, a rather intoxicated Southern girl collapsed into a seat next to Jess and me. She was perhaps the worst offender of the No Talking During Acceptance Speeches Policy. The makers of said law frequently shushed her but she blatantly ignored them and continued to chime in with slurred, garbled and increasingly-loud and blissfully uninformed commentary. Naturally, Jess and I fell instantly in love with her and the three of us struck up a conversation.

At one point during our chat, Jess turned to me and said, "Oh my God, I love her!" I agreed and added, "We SO need to become best friends with her." Since I had a few beers in me, I had no qualms about telling the drunk Southern girl that we just conferred and decided that she was, in fact, THE cat's pajamas. She was tickled with this revelation and we discussed how fun it would be if we all hung out. She gave me her email address and then I excused myself to go to the bathroom or something while she and Jess continued the wee love fest.

Fast forward to today's IM session with Jess:

Yours Truly: D'oh! I keep forgetting to email that crazy drunk chick we met at the Oscar Party. What was her name again?

Jess: Stephanie?

YT: No, I don't think it was Stephanie.

YT: Shit, what was it? Carrie?

Jess: Yes!

YT: You know, I crack up every time I think of you telling me that after I walked away she said, "So what kind of fun do you two want to have?"

Jess: Ha ha ha!

YT: I can't believe she thought we wanted to tag-team her!

Jess: And she seemed totally into it

YT: OMG, can you imagine?

Jess: No, no I can't

YT: Not bad considering we weren't even trying. I mean, if we actually applied ourselves we could conceivably start our own pussy posse... if, like, you know, you were actually into the pussy and, um, I wasn't such a big one when it comes to such things.

she bops

Yours Truly: Thanks for sharing with us that you had a romp with your magic wand

Jess: It's been awhile since I mentioned My Boyfriend

YT: I'm far too Catholic to disclose such things. Not too Catholic to actually DO such things of course... I just won't tell anyone

YT: 'Cause masturbating is like farting. I like the rest of the world to think I don't do it

Jess: You should have Filomena cross-stitch that on a sampler

call the police, there's a madman around...

Jess: I really wanted a buttered roll for breakfast today but Cafe Metro was all out

Yours Truly: I hate when I have my heart set on food and when I go to get it, there's none left. It makes me want to riot and torch shit

Jess: HA!

YT: That visual is killing me

Jess: Me too

YT: In your visual, did I overturn any tables? 'Cause I did in my visual. I'm also doing a lot of roaring and primal screaming

Jess: No. You were running through the streets setting fire to open storefronts

YT: With a flame thrower? Or Molotov cocktails?

Jess: With a medieval torch

YT: Awesome

on choreography...

Transcripts from my conversation with Jess where she tries to make sense of my rather vague description of dance technique...

Yours Truly: Can you read my post and tell me if I made any stupid typos? I'm immune to them at this point

Jess: Yup! [reads entry] Ha ha ha. I love it

YT: Man, Kenny Loggins On Ice was really disturbing

Jess: I bet!

YT: Like, it was a bunch of white Europeans in skates who thought they could dance. Frankly, it was horrifying

Jess: Yikes

YT: There was a lot of hand shaking going on. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Jess: Jazz hands?

YT: No, not jazz hands. These were facing down like they were trying to shake water off them... but with attitude

Jess: Oh dear!

YT: Like "Oh my wrists are sore and I need to shake them out!" But again, with 'tude

YT: Oh and each one affected a look like "guitar face" when they danced!

Jess: Oh man

Clearly -- and to our credit -- the two of us are completely illiterate when it comes to honkey dance moves.

boobwatch, indeed

Excerpts from my conversation with The Lovely Jess upon discovering questionable pictures of The Hoff:

Yours Truly: OMG. I just emailed you a David Hasselhoff calendar. Someone at work gave it to me. It inspired me to research even more Hoff images and look what I found. He.is.such.an.asshole...

Jess: This shit is awful.

YT: Oh, it gets worse.

Jess: WTF?

YT: "Yes, David, now gather the flowers to you while giving the camera a sultry, come-hither look... That's right. Perfect. One more..."

YT: I cannot stop looking at these. I keep finding more and more repellent images. It's becoming a sickness.

YT: Um, David... Yanni called and he wants his shirt back:

Jess: "All images excluding 1990 Calendar on this page scanned from the webmaster's personal collection -- © Nat, Annie." Nat and Annie FRIGHTEN me.

YT: Dear Nat and Annie,
Guten tag! Wie gehts es Ihnen? Sie zwei sind MAJOR FUCKING HEADCASES!

Tschus!
Curly McDimple

YT: "Come closer! Closer! We want to keel you!"

Jess: I just showed them to The Roommate. She said, "Oh man, I had to save the one of him holding the jewelry up to his mouth like he is going to eat it."

YT: "David, your patriotism is admirable but you angered the VFW when you swiped the flag from their foyer."

Jess: OMG...just opened the email you sent.

YT: LOOK AT APRIL!

Jess: OMG OMG OMG. There are no words.

P.S. Sheila has loads of these up on her site! The comments are absolutely killing me. GO NOW!

Want some mo' Hoff?
:: Irish Cheddar... and a Little Something for the Germans
:: The Hoff Super Fantastic Activity Fun Book
:: May the Hoff Rise up to Meet You
:: Season's Greetings from Curly and The Hoff
:: Soap from a Dope
:: Wax On, Wax Hoff
:: A Wee Bit o' Schmaltz

enter the fist?!?!?

Jess: Someone got to my site by Googling "girls fisting themselves"... I'm not that limber.

Yours Truly: HA HA HA HA...ew

YT: When THE EX and I got together, she asked her friend, a raging dyke, for pointers. When THE EX reported back to me about fisting, I nearly started to cry

Jess: Ha!

YT: I said, "I don't wanna do that! To you or me!"

YT: And she was like, "Thank God!"

YT: I mean, we weren't prudes or anything but we both have tiny wee cooters and that shit would hurt

out by the box car waiting...

The Lovely Jess and I are going to see The Pixies tomorrow. I cannot wait!!! I first saw them when I was 15 and they opened up for The Cure. I remember being in the bathroom after their set and some girl on the pee line said to her friend, "I kinda hate The Pixies." Oh.no.she.didn't! A collective gasp filled the small confines of the ladies room and the perp was soundly glared at until it was her turn to relieve herself. I wasn't really one for instigating fights but damn if I didn't want to slap the bitch around for such blasphemy. I didn't of course but I REALLY wanted to.

For the past few months, Jess and I have had Pixies-inspired moments of Tourette's. If there was an uncharacteristic lull in one of our conversations, our default filler topic was swooning over this band. One of us would blurt out, "We're going to see THE MOTHERFUCKING PIXIES!" to which the other replied, "WOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" You know, when not discussing random food cravings ("I want a motherfucking cookie") or other off-kilter observations ("Adam Clayton has Miranda teeth"), of course.

Our giddiness knows no bounds. Like the true geeks that we are, we've been IMing random song snippets back and forth since Jess bought the tickets. Today's exchange:

Yours Truly: Then the devil is six. Then the devil is six

Jess: A BIG BIG LOVE! A BIG BIG LOVE!

YT: Caribouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

Yup, we're nerds... Nerds who are going to see THE MOTHERFUCKING PIXIES! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

friday afternoon slack

As you can see, The Lovely Jess and I are once again hard at work...

Jess: I am making the fattiest fatty dinner ever on Sunday. The Roommate and I have been conspiring

Yours Truly: Ha ha ha. Conspiring. I just had the funniest visual of you two holding clandestine meetings with blueprints and rubbing your hands together all evil-like

Jess: I'm making individual chicken pot pies in a puff pastry and baked apples with butter and brown sugar for dessert

Jess: "How to make our dinner guests have heart attacks"

YT: Are you plotting the course of the cholesterol that will clog up the arteries? "If I add an extra 1/2 cup of butter, it will ensure rapid arterialsclerosis (sp?) beginning HERE!" [points dramatically at map]

Jess: HA!

YT: "However, if I go easy on the butter and increase the amount of sugar, we're looking at a good chance of diabetes. That might take longer to kick in though and at best, we might only get an amputated limb or some cataracts."

YT: I'm sick. Sick, I tell you. Sick

Jess: That's why I love you

YT: My mother would hang her head in shame if she only knew. You know, I think she'd be more upset about my irreverence than my lesbionic ways

Later...

Jess: Did you watch The Apprentice last night?

YT: Yup!

Jess: I cannot believe how horribly Apex did. It was mind-boggling

YT: I could not figure out why they were at Penn Station handing out ads

Jess: It was really dumb

YT: That's not targeted marketing at all. Stupid, stupid, stupid

YT: I wish the show wouldn't end. I like it far too much

Jess: Me too

YT: Ewwwwwwwwwwwww! Guess what?

Jess: What?

YT: My friend's in-laws somehow indirectly know Raj and they gave Raj her cell phone number!!!! She hasn't watched the show this season so she asked me about him...

Jess: Oh my god

YT: She will HATE him. She is a fiercely independent woman who will kick a man in the balls if he even looks at her funny. I mean, she wishes airborne viruses on people for fuck's sake

Jess: Oh dear

YT: I hate him so much. We were walking around DSW last weekend and I trash-talked him all the way from boots to sneakers

Jess: That's a great line

YT: Why thank you

Jess: You could start a novel with that line

YT: Yup. It's right up there with "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..."

Jess continues this theme on her blog with another of our deep and probing discussions...

coming soon to a theater near you

Jess and I cover a lot of territory in our daily Instant Message sessions. We rarely get into heavy topics but when we do, we engage in a political discourse that just begs to have its own Sunday morning show... or at least a slot on Air America.

Jess: I can't even deal with what's going on in the world right now.

Yours Truly: I know. I've been avoiding the news myself. I'm moving to Canada if that idiot gets elected again. I mean, how can someone who speaks like him even get elected? His statements sound like cheesy dialogue from bad action movies.

Jess: Ugh. I know.

YT: "Ours is a righteous and just cause."

YT: "We will bring the evil-doers to justice."

Jess: "We will defeat the enemies of democracy and those who love freedom."

YT: Who is behind his administration anyway? Jerry Bruckheimer?

And scene.