my vacation: a wee photo essay

I'm back! Miss me? I had a great vacation and I'm feeling all refreshed and shit. I'd go into further detail but I'm sort of distracted with post-season baseball and Scrabulous on Facebook at the moment so here are a few brief highlights from my holiday:

1. Here's me and my cute sneaks overlooking the inlet between Point Pleasant and Manasquan at the Jersey Shore...

2. This was taken at an arcade on the Point Pleasant boardwalk. This fella sunk one right after another. All net. I was impressed. I would make a joke about drafting him to the Knicks but, unlike my love of baseball, I don't give two shits about basketball...

3. I spent some quality time with Best Friend Since Kindergarten and her family. BFSK's Daughter was quite fond of handing me her toys and commanding me to play with them. On the first day of my visit, I had to lug around Eric, aka Ariel from The Little Mermaid's love interest. On day two, I worked my way up to Polly Pocket. Here I am holding Polly's hand on the way to dinner. Luckily for Polly, the restaurant didn't have a strict dress code. Girlfriend was in her undies, yo. She's a shameless hussy, that Polly Pocket...

4. Here Polly does her best Vanna White impression and points to the establishment's margarita special. FYI, it was mango...

P.S. Is it just me or does Polly look like the end result if Jane Jetson and the mother from the early seasons of Charles in Charge mated? And I'm referring to Gwendolyn-era Charles in Charge, not that syndicated Nicole Eggert bullshit.

5. Lest you think I was cheating on Glamour Puss by squiring Polly Pocket around the Jersey Shore, behold the prize I won for GP in the crane machine in the same arcade where the Hasidic man was shooting hoops...

He even roars. Ah, romance.

Update: More photos from my vacation can be found on Flickr.

a simple request

Dear My Beloved Yankees,

Boys, allow me to reissue a plea I made to one Mike Mussina last season... Kindly stop sucking.

That is all.

Forever devoted yet slightly pissed,
Curly McDimple

that's my boy!

Lawdy, that was a satisfying baseball game! Let's recap, shall we?

:: Manny Ramirez is rocking atrocious beads in his atrocious hair and looks even more heinous than I ever thought possible. An impressive feat, Manny!

:: David Wells not only sucked ass but!! he balked!! and drove in a run!! Lovely!! Enjoy his big mouth, lazy ass and persistent bouts of the gout, Boston!

:: Matsui was brilliant (as usual)! Thank you for robbing Kevin Millar, of all people, of that two-run homer. That was beyond gratifying. Suck on it, Red Light!

:: And, last but not least, my boyfriend, Tino Martinez, made an awesome diving catch down the line. It would have been even better if that douche bag Giambi was benched and/or booted from the roster entirely but whatevs, I'll take what I can get. I mean, look at this!

(AP Photo/Julie Jacobson)

I loves me some baseball and I'm so thrilled that the season is finally underway. I totally want to go to the batting cages right this very second and take some swings. God, I am SUCH a lesbo.

nooooooooooooooooo!

I'm stunned. I admit it. But I'm not too pigheaded to congratulate the Red Sox. I can only tip my hat and admire their amazing come-from-behind victory. It makes me ill to do so but what can you do? All that's left to say is GO CARDS/ASTROS! Naturally, I will aggressively be cheering on the National League this Series. Fucking crap-ass Yankee pitching squad.

celebrities i hate for no good reason

I just found out that Mark McGrath of Sugar Ray fame is going to cohost Extra. I really hate Mark McGrath. Does he ever say no to his agent? Seriously, Mark, make yourself scarce, please! I'm really surprised he hasn't hosted any of the televised beauty pageants. Or has he?

I'm not sure why he bugs me so much but he's definitely in good company. I get supremely irritated by certain famous people. They make me ridiculously angry and my skin crawl. It's not a rational hatred at all but it exists nonetheless. So here, in no particular order, are the people who annoy the crap out of me. Some get an explanation but others speak for themselves:

:: Adam Sandler

:: Geraldo Rivera
He's most definitely grotesque but this is more of a personal grudge as I interned for him in college... but that's a whole other blog entry.

:: Al Roker

:: Rosie O'Donnell [Update: See here and here.]

:: Garth Brooks
Years ago, Entertainment Weekly accused him of possessing "messianic hubris." Once I found out what it meant, I totally agreed.

:: Robin Williams
Sorry but I just don't find him funny. I think people laugh at him more out of expectation and habit. To me, he's manic and totally uncomfortable to watch. Ritalin, Robin. Ritalin.

:: Burt Reynolds
Slimy son of a bitch

:: k.d. lang
Yes, she's a sister and has a gorgeous voice but I once read that she's a cheap tipper and I can't quite get over it.

:: Tom Hanks
Sheila wrote an interesting piece about Hanks. Unlike moi, she doesn't hate him but questions his recent movie roles. But like moi, she despises Forrest Gump. Rock on!

:: Jeff Goldblum
Good actor but irritating nonetheless.

:: John Tesh
Any easy target but I couldn't resist.

:: Mary Hart of Entertainment Tonight
If that woman has an ounce of wit, I have yet to see it. But she's all about the legs I guess. While I'm on the subject, I hate any celebrity who hums the ET theme music when being interviewed on the red carpet. Stop. It's not clever. It's not original. So cut that shit out.

:: Judd from Real World: San Francisco
He was the frizzy-haired self-righteous cartoonist. Not long ago, I took a few other cast members to task but my distaste for Judd definitely has the most staying power.

:: Bob Costas
I actually heard him use the term "slender Panamanian"... more than once. Um, what?

:: Michael Kay
The local announcer for the NY Yankees. He's like Costas with his incessant yapping and ridiculous hyperbole. Argh, I want to crack both of their skulls together.

:: Hootie and the Blowfish
I know they're passé (thankfully) but they left such an impression on me in the 90s and I can't get over it. Ditto goes for The Goo Goo Dolls, Matchbox 20, The Gin Blossoms, Toad the Wet Sprocket, The Verve Pipe and a lot of those other pseudo-alternative boneheads of that decade. Don't know their names but those guys who sing "Closing Time" and "Sex and Candy" better never encounter me in a dark alley. I'll beat their asses something fierce.

:: That Short, Stout Guy with the Pony Tail Found in Infomercials
Don't know his name but I think he shills exercise equipment. Creepy.

:: The Dude with the Accent Who Does Aerobics on the Beach
Don't know his name either but he's always joined by two other people standing on circular mats doing moderate and low-impact aerobics behind him. He's tan and has curly black hair with freakishly thin legs. As a rule, I don't like it when a man's hair is wider than the rest of him.

I'm sure I'll think of more so check back for updates.

let's talk smack, shall we?

It's ridiculous how belligerent I become while watching a Yankees/Red Sox game. What's even more ridiculous is how Boston's scruffy appearance bothers me as much as their powerhouse hitting. As we speak, Jose Contreras is in essence throwing batting practice to the Red Sox and Johnny Damon's gross hair is flopping up and down as he trots around the bases. So you can imagine my state of mind. Manny's hair and baggy pants may very well send me over the edge. Disgusting.

Kevin Millar seems like a nice fella and there's no denying his talent but I want to throttle him for starting that insipid "Cowboy Up!" business. Ack! I thought we rid ourselves of that after last year's NLCS but the dumb announcers on ESPN have nothing better to talk about so they resurrected that lame-ass and ultimately ineffective (HA! HA!) rallying cry. I hate the announcers on national broadcasts. I particularly hate that the World Series is on FOX. All I have to say is that Joe Buck best not meet me in a dark alley. That Yankee-hating fuckhead will have his work cut out for him dislodging my foot from his sorry ass.

I'm torn if I should keep the game on as my beloved Yanks are currently down 6-2. I'm not a fair weather fan but I am very superstitious when watching sports. If I turn on a game and suddenly my team starts losing, I will promptly change the channel for fear of further jinxing the team. During yesterday's marathon game, I was bringing them luck but I had to go out before it was over... and we know how that game ended. Sorry, boys! I started watching tonight's game from the get go and the Yanks were quickly up by two but now they're behind. Maybe I'll change the channel for a bit and come back to check in. What to do, what to do...

Go Yankees!!!!

damn yankees

Jess and I got a pair of tickets to the Yankees-Padres game this past Friday. Despite the stellar company I kept and copious amounts of beer and mmmm...nachos, the game itself absolutely sucked. My beloved Yanks were soundly spanked... by the Padres. Oh the humanity!!

Yesterday's lucky fans saw the return of David Wells and two, count them TWO, comebacks! We got to see the Yanks have their asses handed to them... by the Padres. Not only did they strand runners galore but their defense was sorely lacking. They made two consecutive errors by throwing the ball around the infield. It bounced off a runner and went into the outfield. Matsui scooped it up but his ill-fated throw to second bounced off the base and went... somewhere. I don't know exactly where because it was then that I hung my head in shame. Apparently, aura and mystique had the night off. It was painful to watch. All that was missing was a foul-mouthed Tanner kicking dirt and throwing his mitt with selections from Carmen providing the soundtrack. [Random Bad News Bears aside: Tanner provided me with one of my favorite put downs ever -- "booger-eating moron." It's hard to deliver with a straight face but its effect is unparalleled. Victims are simultaneously perplexed, offended and amused. Go on and try it. Trust me.]

But the evening wasn't a complete waste -- Jess got to observe me in a somewhat different light. As my former coworker she's heard me bitch about work. As my friend, she's patiently listened to me complain about, well, everything. As the person sitting next to me at a baseball game, she got to witness [insert echo] TRASH TALKING CURLY. While not as annoying as the dude behind us who commented on EVERYTHING (with bad breath to boot), I usually chimed in only after a pivotal play/out/error (with an astute, informed opinion if I do say so myself. This is where I earn my dyke stripes. I fail miserably on the Indigo Girls front but I more than make up for it with my baseball/softball acumen). For instance, I bitched out Posada for his aggravating tendency to field plays at home too far in front of the plate. He would need to be Elastic Man or Inspector Gadget to reach around and tag the runner with the way he positions himself. Basics, Jorge, basics!! I have full faith in the pitches he calls and he swings a mighty bat but I just assume the opposing team will score when there's a play at the plate.

I also tore Giambi a new one... repeatedly. I'm not happy with him. Tino Martinez was a fabulous first baseman and a clutch hitter (with a cute bum, I might add). Yes, he had his slumps but his well-timed homers and grand slams saved some pinstriped hide more than once. And did I mention he has a cute bum? The only reason I don't feel entirely horrible that he's been banished to the Devil Rays is because he originally hails from Tampa. I'm also pleased that he's back in the American League so I have a better chance of seeing him at the Stadium. I defiled myself by going to a Mets game at Shea when he was on the Cardinals. No one should have to do that. No one.

It's because I love those boys that I cannot sit idly by while they lose to teams like... the Padres. Ditto for the Rockies, the Brewers and despite their two World Series championships, the Marlins. It's not that these teams stink. It's more like, I dunno... who cares?

Disagree? Don't like what I have to say? Bring it. [insert echo] TRASH TALKING CURLY will be fielding all complaints. You've been warned.