ask a stupid question...

To the guy (presumably) who found my site by Googling "things to fuck nerf watermelon peanut butter," here's a novel response to your query: How about, you know, a woman?

Oh wait...

More scary searches with color commentary can be found here:

:: a public service announcement
:: customer service
:: gettin' more mileage
:: the horse is not dead yet. soon, but not quite yet
:: the keyword is... random
:: more fun with keywords
:: my unhealthy obsession with statcounter

my 'porchret'

The Adorable Six-Year-Old Niece launched her own start-up this past weekend. Check out what she's shilling:

In case you can't read her first-grade level handwriting and spelling, it's "Portraits for Sale. 50 Cents."

Reasonable rates, right? Naturally, I bought a few of them. Actually, I didn't even have to commission the drawings since they were waiting for me when I arrived at her house on Saturday. The drawings were intended to be a gift but once I discovered the above sign, I happily forked over the cash. Far be it from to contribute to the further starvation of artists.

Unfortunately sales weren't too good on her first day of business. Not much foot traffic in front of her "store," you see. I asked my niece if anyone walked by and she replied, "Yes, one lady did. But she read the sign and just kept on walking." The niece shrugged her shoulders and seemed incredulous that someone would pass up such a bargain. I silently seethed.

Lady, whoever you are, kindly suck my dick. Not only are you a bitch but you're missing out on a masterpiece like this:

My Porchret by The Adorable Six-Year-Old Niece
(Click to enlarge)

I think the niece really captured my essence, no? I had a few questions about the Picasso-like nose but as a sensitive artiste myself, I really can't quibble with her creative choices.

I'm representing the budding artist should any of you want to take her up on her reasonable sitting fee.

ratify this!

Wherein any individual found guilty of murder, aggravated assault and/or arson shall be granted immediate clemency if the alleged perpetrator's deeds were carried out in response to a persistent, annoying and loud ringtone. Furthermore, the victim, unless deceased, will serve a sentence of no less than 20 years in solitary confinement where he/she will be subject to an unending rotation of midi files, including but not limited to, the "William Tell Overture," "La Cucaracha" and the Sanford & Son theme song.

All in favor, say "Aye!" All opposed? Eat shit.

subway sightings

Observed on the Brooklyn-bound F train yesterday:

1) A man picking his nose in my direction with a wild-eyed expression and a very belligerent digging style. His boogers meant business, apparently.

2) The same man then asked the guy next to him to watch his bag while he went between subway cars to either a) urinate, b) throw up, c) jerk off or d) quite possibly all of the above.

3) A man adorned in a king's costume complete with purple velvet cape, a bejeweled gold crown and a snazzy scepter just chillin' and staring out the window.

4) A woman thumbing through photos she had just picked up at CVS. Taken on actual film. With, you know, a 35mm camera.

What does it say about me that of the four scenarios, the last was the only one that elicited a modicum of shock? Getting film developed? I mean, who does that?

they're mad as hell...

... and they're not gonna tak-- oh fuck it. You know the rest. Anyhoo, check out the bad-assitutde of these two broads:

:: Woman in wheelchair on way to gun practice shoots mugger

:: Nurse, 51, kills intruder with bare hands

Ne'er-do-wells, beware! Thelma and Louise live!

couture schmouture aka fuck jeffrey and his tattooed giraffe neck

:: Spoiler alert for fans of Project Runway who haven't watched this week's episode it yet.::

Reason #492 ¾ Why I Clearly Don't Understand Fashion:

Um, seriously... can someone in-the-know please explain to me how/why the fuck this abomination won last night's challenge? I am perplexed. Uli got robbed, yo.

rod 'the bod' and god side-by-side on the r train

Every now and then, I encounter the same busker in the last car of the downtown R train. As I step onboard, she's usually about a verse or two into a very slow and soulful rendition of "Always and Forever." I hate that song but I love how she wraps her voice around it. Each note starts out with a pleasant nasally tone and is finished off with a delightful rasp. Her voice is ragged and worn. There's a lot of mileage on it. She has indeed lived a life.

She's elderly and blind but she still glides through the subway car with the greatest of ease relying on her cane and years of experience negotiating the different subway cars. She doesn't stumble or bump into people. Crowds part to let her through. She's respected and beloved. I've seen this same respect paid to the blind accordion player and a few doo-wop and five-part harmony groups that barrel through the busy trains interrupting conversations, naps and novels.

If someone is talented and/or not screaming about Jesus and urging us to repent, we don't tsk and sigh over the intrusion. Good schtick garners patience, polite smiles, outstretched money-bearing hands and unfettered access to the next car where the performer can charm the pants off the awaiting group of grizzled locals and bright-eyed tourists.

I saw the blind busker again on Wednesday night. As usual, she shuffled through the car singing, shaking her paper coffee cup and offering thanks each time she heard the clink of change deposited in it. And as usual, I took my seat, opened up my paper and drifted off into the day's Daily News headlines with her song serving as the bed music to my nightly ritual.

She finished up "Always and Forever" and segued into the next song. It was a new one, for me at least, in her repertoire. Normally I don't notice the transitions in her medleys but her choice of song and her placement of her words of thanks that night made me lower my newspaper and observe with undivided attention and an appreciative smile:

If you want my body and you think I'm sexy
(Thank you. God bless you!)
Come on, sugar, let me know
If you really need me just reach out and touch me
(God bless you!)
Come on, honey, tell me so

She was far out of my reach at that point but I'm totally giving her a twenty the next time I see her.