there's a plate of homemade wishes on the kitchen window sill...

I spotted this ad for Premarin, a drug to cure vaginal dryness, during my Internet travels today.

My initial reaction: "Ew, Betty Buckley has a dry cooch?!?!"

I did not want to know about Grizabella's parched goodies. If Norma Desmond's nether regions have started to spark and smoke, kindly spare me the details, please. I'm not quite ready for that close-up, Mr. DeMille.

And then I clicked on the ad and after scrutinizing a few more photos, I was relieved to discover that, silly me, it isn't Abby Bradford, after all. It's some other old broad with a dusty beav. Dick Van Patten must be so relieved.

My second reaction: "Ew, is this what I have to look forward to in my old age?!"

So, let's see... we've got wrinkles, weight gain, brittle bones, hot flashes, a dowager's hump, elastic waistbands on polyester pants, butterscotch candy cravings and now it appears my snatch will become as dry as the Sahara, to boot.

Anyone know where I can get my soon-to-be-liver-spotted hands on some cyanide?

are you there god? it's me, curly

M E M O R A N D U M

To: Mother Nature

CC: God (The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit), Allah, Buddha, Shiva, George Burns

From: Curly McDimple

Date: 08.25.2006

Re: Optional Menstruation
_____________________________________________________________

As a female who is opting not to have children through vaginal birth or caesarian section, I would like to formally lodge a complaint against the presence of my menstrual cycle. It is a frivolous and needless monthly exercise and I urge you to reconsider its inclusion in my anatomy. Oh, and cellulite too as it's not doing me any favors either.

As I explained to "my friend" in an earlier bit of correspondence, I do think that under the right circumstances, menses is a noble process in that it paves the way for babies to reside in the uterus. However, I do not believe it should be a "factory-installed" feature.

Consider this: If I were buying a stove, I can opt not to purchase a model with the self-cleaning mechanism. If the likes of Best Buy can offer me freedom of choice, certainly you can too, Mother Nature.

As it stands, your current policy makes the assumption that all women want to reproduce. Now, I don't mean to lecture you, Mother Nature, but you know what happens when you assume, don't you? In this particular case, it creates a legion of cramped, bloated and irritable (childless) females hell-bent on making you pay for their misery, in addition to the whole making asses out of you and me business.

While males historically have been responsible for destroying some of your more well-received handiwork, i.e. the fouling of pristine Alaskan coastline in the Exxon-Valdez oil spill, I dare say the man behind this tragic error was drinking on the job in part to eradicate the pain from the blow to the head he received the night before from his rolling pin-toting, PMS-stricken spouse. That's just conjecture on my part but still, I think it's worthy of your consideration.

While I have the floor, here are some other bodily systems/functions I think you should consider making optional and/or on-demand:

:: Body hair
:: Ear wax
:: Phlegm
:: Flatulence
:: Diarrhea

Since humans spend millions in pharmacies each year on products to control/reduce/rid ourselves of these often-embarrassing extras, perhaps you should consider this a unanimous rejection of them. I, for one, do not rely on armpit hair for an additional layer of protection against the cold so why bother regrowing it after I shave it off for the umpteenth time? Save yourself the trouble (and me the expense of Gillette Venus Divine blades. They're pricey!)

I realize this request is a tall order but I propose speeding up the process of natural selection as a work-around until the Menstrual On/Off Switch™ is developed, tested and introduced into the species. Another interim possibility is a massive uterus donation drive. I'll gladly sign mine over to a barren woman. Seriously, take my healthy ovaries, please.

Thank you for your time.

miss me. i know you miss me bliiiiiiiind

I'm back, ladies and germs. I'm refreshed and tanned (um, as well as a Scottish/Irish person can tan) and I'm no longer immersed in the snit to end all snits.

How do I know I had a relaxing vacation? The fact that the 294 emails waiting for me at work this morning didn't even phase me. Further proof was that one of them was from a real pain in the ass in the business development department who, for reasons beyond my comprehension, has decided that I'm her go-to person for everything. I merely smirked at her ridiculous request instead of throwing a hairy conniption.

I don't mind being considered accommodating and helpful and shit but her questions make my head hurt. Primarily because she phrases them in a way that reminds of that homeless dude played by Damon Wayans on In Living Color. "The reciprocation of the juxtaposition of the emancipation of the amalgamated quid pro quo..."

You know, that sort of thing. Ow. But whatevs, I'm feeling recharged so I won't tear her a new one... until at least Wednesday.

I have lots of work and personal shit to catch up on as you can imagine but I promise to regale you with tales of my vacation as soon as possible. In the meantime, here are a few pictures. More to come!

vacation all i ever wanted*

Hello, people. I'm blowing this joint for a week. I'm skipping town tonight and hitting the beach and a few other relaxing locales that are decidedly NOT HERE. I love my fine city, rally I do, but I'm really happy to be leaving it for a week. The weather the past few days has been gorgeous but that stank that rose up during those 100-degree days is still entrenched in my nose. And the cranky mood it caused still lingers. I'm hoping the salty shore air will dislodge both the stank and the crank.

I know the blog posts have been sparse and rather lackluster lately so hopefully when I get back, I'll be all rejuventated and recharged and my blog will follow suit.

Have a loverly week!


* Taken from the song "Vacation" by The Go-Gos. A few lines later, Belinda Carlisle warbles, "Vacation meant to be spent alone." I thought it was worth mentioning that for the longest time, I thought it was: "Vacation men do be suppala." Um, I think I like my lyric better.

the one and only time i'll ever reference mario lopez on this here blog

Dude, how hard up do you have to be to mug poor Screech? That's just sad. And sooooooo misguided since everyone knows that Slater is the one with all the cash. Duh.

a.j. all wrong

As promised, I snapped several pictures in the housewares department of the illustrious A.J. Wright store in Schenectady, New York over the weekend.

If the allure of gruesome tchatkes isn't enough incentive to click over, allow me to dangle this carrot: Photographic evidence of me administering the Booty Slap to a creepy doll.

Hot, right?

Where's the hyperlink, you ask? Well, you'll just have to click over to find it. I'm not doing ALL the work, yo.

The Lovely Jess provides a recap of our fun-filled weekend upstate. Furthermore, she included a laundry list of topics discussed and events attended.

If I may, I'd like to tack on the following:

:: Consumption of a phallic-shaped fried fish sandwich

:: The persistence of the radio's scan feature trying to convince us to listen to the likes of Kool & The Gang, Celine Dion and the new Bob Seger song. (There is one, you know!)

:: Name that rodent on the side of the road

:: And lastly... "You don't know the parasites hangin' from my eyes! You don't know the parasites hangin' from my eyes!"

Wouldn't you all love to know what spawned that line of dialogue?! And remember kids, form an orderly line when you hit up the A.J. Wright to buy those gorgeous knick-knacks. And no stampeding.

ske... scenec... schene... upstate, new york, here i come

In just a few short hours, The Lovely Jess and I will be heading up the NY State Thruway to the land of The Lovely Jess's birth.

This will be my second trip up to those there parts surrounding the state capital. Now, one might think I'd take advantage of this opportunity to go sight-seeing around the Capital District and learn more about the history and geography of my adopted state. Fuck that noise. I'm more interested in going back to A.J. Wright to take more pictures of their scary tchatkes that look like the Pointer Sisters collection.

Can we, Jess? Can we? Huh? Huh?

rule of thumb... and pinky, middle, index & ring

When approached by a six year old toting Bratz bubble gum pink nail polish, one should ask about the availability of nail polish remover prior to application. Otherwise, you'll have to rock this look until you can finally get your hands on some Cutex...

Hot, right?

Note: In anticipation of comments concerning the stereotypical length of my lesbian nails, I've taken the liberty of preparing a rebuttal ahead of time. So, for those of you about to go down that well-worn road, kindly click here first ... then sit; and finally, spin. Thank you.