on fat fingers, a phat niece and phony flatulence

A couple of the fingers on my left hand had an unfortunate run-in with a car door this weekend. Fortunately, nothing is sprained but my middle and index fingers aren't quite as bendy as they could be. In other words, Part 13 will be coming along as soon as my crippled fingers can type it up. Thanks for your patience.

In brighter news, I taught The Adorable Five-Year-Old Niece the art of the breakdance-off... using an American Girl doll.

See, we took my mother out for a birthday lunch yesterday. To keep the niece entertained in the car on the way there, I sang an a capella "Din Daa Daa" while making her doll do The Worm, The Running Man and several dope back and head spins. I then pointed the doll's hand in the direction of the niece and said, "Now you!"

The niece didn't miss a beat. She sang the song, caught the vibe, thrashed around a bit and then challenged my younger sister by stylishly -- and fiercely -- pointing at her. Wee girlfriend put Ozone and Turbo to shame. It was all really quite fabulous and made me just a bit verklempt.

Oh and she also recently learned how to do armpit farts. I swear I had NOTHING to do with it. No seriously, I can't even make that noise myself so there's no way I could teach her. When I try to do it, the only thing you hear is flapping and slapping. Therefore, I am not responsible for the armpit farts. Palm of the hand farts, on the other hand...

judge not

I have something to confess...

I totally snogged a 22-year-old girl tonight.

A woman 10 years my junior.

With a limited knowledge of English, no less.

But then again, there ain't no such thing as language barrier when your lips are otherwise engaged. N'est ce pas? Can I get a whoop whoop?

Now you might think that whole age difference thing would have given me pause but to that I say, FUUUUUUUUCK DAT! She was hot and I have a baby face and therefore it all balances out.

Shut up, it does too.

So now here's where the shame comes in... The impetus for said smooch? After a couple of hours of flirtatious chit-chat and the occasional cheeky grope, I found my oral opening, as it were, during the chorus of "You're the Inspiration" by one Peter Cetera.

Yup, the former Chicago frontman was temporarily the meaning in my life, the inspiration, if you will, to totally mack on a cute wee girl.

You know, I never thought I'd credit Peter Cetera with anything other than, you know, annoying the piss out of me but, well, he really came through tonight. I have a new appreciation for the man.

So, thank you, Peter Cetera. Thank you.

how well do you know your ham & cheese on wry? -- the answers revealed!

So this post is geared to all three or four of you who actually took the quiz. Oh how the rest of you disappoint me! Those of you who did take the quiz legitimately (and no, Grace, you don't qualify), I'll be contacting you about the wee gift you'll be receiving. The rest of y'all can suck it. And I mean that in the nicest way possible, of course.

1. Which condiment do I loathe?
(a) Mustard
(b) Ketchup
(c) Mayonnaise
(d) All of the above

I have an irrational fear of mayonnaise. I cannot be persuaded to like it. So don't try. End of discussion.
Related Link: things I'm not ashamed to admit... but probably should be

2. True or False: I like stucco.

False-a-rooni! If I may quote myself, "Texture freaks me the fuck out." So cement bumps? Ewww!
Related Link: weirdo

3. Where did I buy my bike?
(a) REI
(b) Modell's
(c) K-Mart
(d) Nowhere. I totally stole it from Lance Armstrong.

Lance's titanium lock foiled my attempt at theft so I got over my shame and made a purchase at K-Mart. J'adore my Kick-Ass K-Mart Bike.
Related Link: curly's big adventure

4. Which term did The Lovely Jess and I coin to describe a straight woman who is the platonic friend of a lesbian?
(a) Less-bian
(b) Rug rat
(c) Sapphony
(d) In denial

The Lovely Jess solicited suggestions from her readership and then I wrote up a wee press release announcing our tacky term. Even if no one else cares, I for one am proud of our joint effort to represent this minority. If we don't speak out for the rug rats, who will?
Related Links: hear ye, hear ye and curly's platonic girlfriend

5. Which NY-1 personality do I think needs to be beaten?
(a) Pat Kiernan
(b) George Whipple
(c) Shelley Goldberg
(d) Gary Anthony Ramsay

George Whipple would seem like the obvious answer but that man needs to be tweezed more than beaten. I don't like him very much but Shelley Goldberg, the parenting expert, makes me positively irate. If I were to encounter her in the street, I can't guarantee that I wouldn't inflict severe bodily harm. I suppose I just ruined whatever chances I had of making the NYer of the Week...
Related Link: things i've pondered in front of the tv this morning while drinking my chock full o' nuts

6. True or False: I like Creed.

Hate them with a passion. But I love the fact that Scott Stapp is having a really bad week.
Related Link: frequently asked questions

7. Who is my favorite Beatle?
(a) Ringo
(b) George
(c) Paul
(d) Dung

Listening to "I Dig Love" right now as a matter of fact.
Related Link: george and remedy

8. Where was I when a stranger sucked my toes?
(a) Nine West
(b) Central Park
(c) Fetish convention
(d) NYC subway

I thought that would be easy to guess even if you didn't know the story. It's the subway, for fuck's sake...
Related Link: my left foot

9. Which singer did I compare myself to (looks-wise) after perusing high-school era photos of myself in a family album?
(a) Corey Hart
(b) John Oates
(c) Englebert Humperdink
(d) Kenny Loggins

My dark, curly mullet and hint of a 'stache made me look very similar to the shorter half of Hall & Oates (unfortunately). Although, I have to say that John's aged better than Hall who now looks eerily similar to Vincent from Beauty & The Beast.
Related Link: on bridal showers and bad fashion sense

10. What television show inspired a precocious 8-year-old me to ask my flustered parents, "What's a virgin?"?
(a) The Facts of Life
(b) Family Ties
(c) Romper Room
(d) The Love Boat

I learned that word during a vignette starring Erin from The Waltons and the curly-haired brunette dude from CHiPs. He was the cop who drove a patrol car, not a motorcycle. He wanted to get into Erin's pants but was stonewalled by her decision to not give up The Big V. Needless to say, my parents did not appreciate my recap and follow-up questions.
Related Link: long before the fcc...

11. What song did some kid in Prospect Park sing to me?
(a) "I Am Woman" by Helen Reddy
(b) "Thousand Miles" by Vanessa Carlton
(c) "Ten Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed" by Unknown
(d) "You Can Do It (Put Your Ass Into It)" by Ice Cube

I was serenaded by a little boy to point out my obvious whiteness. That kid totally housed me. I had no good reply. Well played, fucker.
Related Link: this here sucka got served

12. True or False: Someone found this site by Googling "comebacks for if someone calls you a freckle fart"

That term and "diapered by younger sister" still make me giggle.
Related Link: in the merry old land of oz

13. Which hirsute actor did I have an erotic dream about?
(a) Robin Williams
(b) Steve Carell
(c) Alec Baldwin
(d) Mr. Snuffleupagus

Oh how I wish (d) was the right answer. What a blog entry that would have made!
Related Link: here's an interesting question for ya...

14. Which of the following cartoon characters did I call "a cunt"?
(a) Penelope Pitstop
(b) Alexandra from Josie & The Pussycats
(c) Betty Rubble
(d) Peppermint Patty

Don't front. You know she totally is.
Related Link: on thanksgiving and why i think peppermint patty is a big ol' bitch

15. Which of the following cartoon characters did I call "a total douche bag"?
(a) Tom from Tom & Jerry
(b) Albert the Mouse from 'Twas the Night Before Christmas
(c) Mr. Slate from The Flintstones
(d) Elmer Fudd

See above.
Related Link: the alan alda sensitivity project: holiday edition

16. Which of the following TV dads did I call "a bit of a buttinsky"?
(a) Tony Micelli from Who's the Boss?
(b) Jason Seaver from Growing Pains
(c) Steve Douglas from My Three Sons
(d) Charles Ingalls from Little House on the Prairie

Mejack disagrees but I still maintain that Pa totally had a God complex and wasn't shy about spreading God's love in the form of a good ass-kicking.
Related Link: the alan alda sensitivity project or what i learned from TV

17. Which of the following celebrities does NOT have bad breath according to me?
(a) Bill O'Reilly
(b) Frances Sternhagen
(c) Christopher Guest
(d) Jeff Goldblum

Christopher Guest can do no wrong in my eyes. I don't have it on good authority that the rest of them have stanky breath but they just look like they do. Work with me.
Related Link: olfactory onomatopoeia

18. Which cereal did I magically produce from my pajamas one morning?
(a) Total
(b) Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch
(c) Grape Nuts
(d) Cream of Wheat

I've pitched this trick to David Blaine but so far, he hasn't returned any of my calls. If I feel like slumming, I guess I'll give David Copperfield a ring.
Related Link: watch me make this peanut butter cap'n crunch disappear

19. Which brand of beer did I throw at a roach in my apartment?
(a) Rolling Rock
(b) Pete's Wicked Ale
(c) Leffe
(d) Brooklyn Lager

I wouldn't waste good Leffe or Brooklyn on a pest. No, I lie. My fear of vermin exceeds my beer snobbery by a mile. Or snobbery of any beverage, really. Hell, I would douse a bug with Cristal if I had to.
Related Link: extermination alternatives

20. True or False: I had a childhood crush on Bobby Vinton.

Shut up. His mastery of polka tunes was hot and you know it. For those of you who have NO idea who I'm even talking about, click here.
Related Links: roll out the barrel and things I'm not ashamed to admit... but probably should be

Thanks for playing!

an open letter to the building facilities person(s) in charge of ordering paper goods for the bathroom at my job

Dear Building Facilities Person(s) in Charge of Ordering Paper Goods for the Bathroom at My Job:

While I don't expect my tush to be treated to the gentle and forgiving cotton of Quilted Northern here at work, I was just a bit chagrined to discover a new brand of parchment-like T.P. occupying the stalls today.

If I wanted to roll out some phyllo dough or draft a new version of the Declaration of Independence, this would be suitable paper stock. It is less than ideal, however, for wiping one's backside.

Lest you think I'm being a prima-donna, I assure you I have the greater good in mind when lodging this complaint. I dare say that scratchy toilet paper cannot be good for long-term company morale. It's simple math, really: A sore ass = a disgruntled employee.

And think of the potential absenteeism! And the cost of all the hemorrhoid doughnuts that will no doubt appear on numerous employee expense reports!

Please take this under advisement when placing your next order. If not, kindly plant a big wet one on my chapped, irritated ass. No, really, please kiss it as it might help soothe the burn.

Sincerely,

Curly McDimple

how well do you know your ham & cheese on wry?

Who's up for a wee quiz? Why not test your knowledge of this here blog and increase my page views -- and ego -- in the process?!?! I'll start out with 20 questions. If there's a good response, maybe I'll do more. But that's up to you since y'all might not even give a crap. We'll soon find out, I guess.

Some of these are multiple choice. There are a few true/false scattered in there as well. Some might be obvious but there are quite a few tough ones, I admit. You might need to dig a little bit but keep in mind that there's a search box* in the right sidebar on all pages. Consider it a scavenger hunt... uh, a scavenger hunt with no real reward or incentive to complete. It's a good time-waster though! That I can promise you.

Ready?

1. Which condiment do I loathe?
(a) Mustard
(b) Ketchup
(c) Mayonnaise
(d) All of the above

2. True or False: I like stucco.

3. Where did I buy my bike?
(a) REI
(b) Modell's
(c) K-Mart
(d) Nowhere. I totally stole it from Lance Armstrong.

4. Which term did The Lovely Jess and I coin to describe a straight woman who is the platonic friend of a lesbian?
(a) Less-bian
(b) Rug rat
(c) Sapphony
(d) In denial

5. Which NY-1 personality do I think needs to be beaten?
(a) Pat Kiernan
(b) George Whipple
(c) Shelley Goldberg
(d) Gary Anthony Ramsay

6. True or False: I like Creed.

7. Who is my favorite Beatle?
(a) Ringo
(b) George
(c) Paul
(d) Dung

8. Where was I when a stranger sucked my toes?
(a) Nine West
(b) Central Park
(c) Fetish convention
(d) NYC subway

9. Which singer did I compare myself to (looks-wise) after perusing high-school era photos of myself in a family album?
(a) Corey Hart
(b) John Oates
(c) Englebert Humperdink
(d) Kenny Loggins

10. What television show inspired a precocious 8-year-old me to ask my flustered parents, "What's a virgin?"?
(a) The Facts of Life
(b) Family Ties
(c) Romper Room
(d) The Love Boat

11. What song did some kid in Prospect Park sing to me?
(a) "I Am Woman" by Helen Reddy
(b) "Thousand Miles" by Vanessa Carlton
(c) "Ten Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed" by Unknown
(d) "You Can Do It (Put Your Ass Into It)" by Ice Cube

12. True or False: Someone found this site by Googling "comebacks for if someone calls you a freckle fart"

13. Which hirsute actor did I have an erotic dream about?
(a) Robin Williams
(b) Steve Carell
(c) Alec Baldwin
(d) Mr. Snuffleupagus

14. Which of the following cartoon characters did I call "a cunt"?
(a) Penelope Pitstop
(b) Alexandra from Josie & The Pussycats
(c) Betty Rubble
(d) Peppermint Patty

15. Which of the following cartoon characters did I call "a total douche bag"?
(a) Tom from Tom & Jerry
(b) Albert the Mouse from 'Twas the Night Before Christmas
(c) Mr. Slate from The Flintstones
(d) Elmer Fudd

16. Which of the following TV dads did I call "a bit of a buttinsky"?
(a) Tony Micelli from Who's the Boss?
(b) Jason Seaver from Growing Pains
(c) Steve Douglas from My Three Sons
(d) Charles Ingalls from Little House on the Prairie

17. Which of the following celebrities does NOT have bad breath according to me?
(a) Bill O'Reilly
(b) Frances Sternhagen
(c) Christopher Guest
(d) Jeff Goldblum

18. Which cereal did I magically produce from my pajamas one morning?
(a) Total
(b) Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch
(c) Grape Nuts
(d) Cream of Wheat

19. Which brand of beer did I throw at a roach in my apartment?
(a) Rolling Rock
(b) Pete's Wicked Ale
(c) Leffe
(d) Brooklyn Lager

20. True or False: I had a childhood crush on Bobby Vinton.

Kindly put your answers in the comments. Thanks!

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* I changed some file names several months ago and Google is still returning some results with the old names. Translation: Error pages. If you view the Cached Snapshot of the error page, you'll see the original. Sorry for the inconvenience.

sexual highjinks and a sticky hymn

I loves me some WYSIWYG, rally I do. Last night's "Worst. Sex. Ever. III: When Bad Sex Happens to Good People" was as hilarious as I imagined it would be.

Once again, my hooting-type laughter blew out the eardrums of those unfortunate enough to be sitting near me. Uh... sorry 'bout that, guys. Let me know if I can kick in a few bucks to help defray the cost of your sign language lessons.

The entire line-up was amazing but Emily Deprang really had me howling with her tale of oral sex gone just a bit awry. I mean, to be able to somehow equate her technique with a pantomime seen on Who's Line Is It Anyway? Well, that was just genius, in my opinion. Well done, Emily.

I look forward to checking out all of the bloggers showcased last night. Here they are if you'd like to do the same:

-- Todd Levin

-- John "Jonno" D'Addario

-- Hanne Blank

-- Greg Walloch

-- Desiree Burch

-- The Assimilated Negro

-- Audacia Ray

-- Emily Deprang

-- dj:ayden

On an unrelated (I think) note, I have "Nearer My God to Thee" stuck in my head this morning. Um, make of that what you will...

one of those days

If someone would be so kind as to hook me up with this here apparatus, I promise to love you forever... or at least until the coffee runs out.

Tee hee hee. I said "apparatus."

i'm lame

Guess who got scared off by a bit o' snow? Yes, my friends, I missed out on the highly-anticipated Blarg Hop. The idea of me staggering home drunk in a foot of snow or doing doughnuts on the Brooklyn Bridge in a cab was less than appealing. So, instead, I ate Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch while watching Naomi Watts get her lesbo on in Mulholland Dr. That shit was h-o-t, yo.

Anyhoo, I'm anxiously awaiting reports from the hearty souls who made the trek down Christopher Street. Sorry I wussed out, guys. Here's hoping another one is in the works!

blarg hop

Whatcha doin' this Saturday night?! How's about hoisting a few stiff drinks with your favorite blogging 'mos and some of the breeders/half-breeders who love us? It really will be a gay old time. I shamelessly lifted the following details from the illustrious Joe.My.God.:

Event: Blarg Hop (blog + bar hop = blarg hop)

Date: Saturday, February 11th

Place: Christopher Street

Time: 10PM

What: A old school bar crawl down Christopher Street

Who: A veritable cavalcade of gay bloggers and friends, including: Blather And Bosh, CircleInASquare, Glennalicious, Joe.My.God., Moi, Perge Modo, Someone In A Tree, The Lovely Jess, The Ninth Circle Of Helen, Tin Man, The Mark Of Kane, VelleityNYC, We Like Sheep and doubtlessly some others. Bloggers interested in joining us, email Joe.My.God. to add your name to his roster.

Itinerary: (We start at Pieces at 10pm. The bars will be visited in the following order, at least one cocktail per bar, but we allocate no specific duration to any venue in case they like, suck and stuff.)

1. Pieces - 8 Christopher Street
2. Stonewall - 53 Christopher Street
3. Duplex - 61 Christopher Street
4. The Monster - 80 Grove Street
5. Boots & Saddles - 76 Christopher Street
6. Ty's - 114 Christopher Street
7. The Hangar - 115 Christopher Street
8. Chi-Chiz - 135 Christopher Street
9. Dugout - 185 Christopher Street

The rest o' the details can be found here. Join us!

cottonmouth au jus

I'm not dead, I swear. I was away for the weekend and didn't have access to a computer for longer than maybe five minutes at time. As you can imagine, those are less than ideal writing conditions for moi. I did, however, manage to write... on a legal pad. I haven't done that in a while. I felt so retro. Once I transcribe it, I'll have Part 10 up.

The weekend was good. But, as usual, my numbers (8 and 5) in the Super Bowl box pool were bad and I won bupkus. Why do I even bother to gamble? Lady Luck thinks I'm gross and stays far, far away. I should stop trying to court her, no?

Oh and in keeping with the tradition started last Super Bowl weekend, The Adorable Five-Year-Old Niece uttered a priceless statement worthy of a blog entry. It was out of the blue, completely lacked context and said with a dead serious face:

"Sometimes my mouth feels like I just ate roast beef."

The thing is, despite my veggie leanings, I understood exactly what she meant. I ask you -- is there a better way to bond with a child than by explaining the finer points of a Tic-Tac? I think not.

on waving my private parts at your aunties and the birth of a drama dork

I just saw Monthy Python's Spamalot with my father. It was his first Broadway show ever. I don't know what I enjoyed more -- the musical itself or his reaction to it. (For the record, I ADORED the show. I urge you all to grab your coconuts and go!)

If you don't understand the magic of live theater, go see a Broadway show with a first-timer. Your enjoyment will increase exponentially. I got such a kick out of my Dad. He laughed so hard he cried. I inherited his loud, wheezy laugh so the two of us put on quite the show for our neighbors. It sounded like we were engaged in a bout of dueling harmonicas with our chesty chuckles.

I watched my father excitedly flip through his Playbill during intermission. I noticed that he paid extra attention to the "How Many Have You Seen?" section. Methinks a new theater geek was born tonight! He'll soon be drinking his decaf out of a Phantom mug and adorning the fridge with Miss Saigon magnets. He'll no longer host barbecues but rather Jellicle Balls instead. But through my snobby guidance, he'll eventually learn to scoff at Andrew Lloyd Webber (wanker!) and before long, he'll be tsking over the Tony nominations and second-guessing the selections of the Drama Desk.

I cannot wait. Ooh and now I know what to get him for Father's Day! However, I think it wise to maybe break him in a bit more with the big-budget musicals before dragging him off to see, say, Naked Boys Singing, n'est ce pas?

P.S. Part Ten is coming soon. I promise.