i'm all lost in the supermarket

I suffer from a syndrome that, to my knowledge, has yet to be tackled by any of the reputable medical journals. This affliction really only has one symptom so perhaps that's why it's been ignored by the health community.

The one and only indicator of this disease? Instant and complete amnesia upon entering retail establishments.

Honest to God, the minute I set foot into a place of business where goods are available for purchase, I immediately forget what necessary item(s) inspired the trip. Seriously, if you encounter me at the supermarket, I'm usually sporting one of two expressions: 1) pissed off beyond belief or 2) befuddled. Sometimes both at the same time. It's a skill, really.

Actually, now that I think about it, this may not be a problem with me and my feeble memory at all. Perhaps, it's yet another diabolical scheme by the retail industry at large. After all, the store's color scheme, product display, song selection, etc., are all an orchestrated and deliberate attempt by the corporate offices to entice consumers to spend more money.

In other words, there is some sinister, psychological marketing trickery behind the muzak version of Matthew Wilder's "Break My Stride" pumping through the sound system that compels you, the unwitting customer, to buy lots and lots o' crap you don't need.

Given that, I am certain the powers-that-be have many more similarly underhanded tactics up their sleeves. In fact, I have a theory that those standing anti-theft devices poised at the entrances/exits of stores are actually memory-erasing mechanisms. In mere seconds, they effectively obliterate memorized shopping lists to encourage expensive and impractical impulse purchases.

For example, you walk into CVS with the intention of buying toothpaste and deodorant. All knowledge of these must-have items is lost upon passing through the theft detector thingamabobs. Because, really, is there any other explanation for exiting the store sans toothpaste and deodorant but stocked to the gills with Bumble & Bumble's Sumo Wax, a brand new set of makeup brushes, nail strengthening lotion, a copy of US Weekly and those Danish butter cookies that come in a metal tin? I think not.

Now I don't really like to dabble in conspiracy theories but I think there's something to this one. However, at this point, you may be wondering why, if my memory is so bad and/or the victim of a massive capitalist plot, I don't just, you know, write things down. It's a valid question, I suppose. But I encourage you to a) stop looking for illogical behavior and/or inconsistencies in one of my dumb blog posts and b) reread the opening paragraph about my whole "I'm so forgetful" syndrome thing. It extends to my behavior prior to entering the store, you see. I cannot tell you how many times I've written up a comprehensive shopping list only to leave it at home.

However, I think I may have conquered that problem today. With the help of my handy dandy camera phone, I snapped a photo of the ongoing shopping list I maintain on a dry-erase board on my fridge. Behold:

I am pleased to report that I just returned from a trip to the Key Food with all of the items on this list. I flipped open my phone, consulted the photo of the shopping list and made my purchases accordingly. Early onset senility and corporate greed be damned! Although, I can't quite figure out if this idea makes me brilliant or just really lazy. No matter, it worked!

Kindly feel free to steal this tip. And, now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to stuff my face with some Danish butter cookies...