lend me your ear[phones]

Since I can't send this to the department listserv here at work even though I REALLY, REALLY want to...

Dear Douche Bag Who Stole the Headphones off My Desk:

I won't even get into your lack of scruples. Instead I'll focus on the fact that you are now wedging something into your ears that had been in mine eight hours a day, for weeks and months on end! How gross are you? I hope you get a raging ear infection, you nasty fuck. Granted, I should not have left them out to tempt a klepto such as yourself but still, your dickheadedness trumps my carelessness big time. Barring an earache of epic proportions, I can only hope for a wicked short in the wiring, ass munch.

Cheers,
Curly McDimple

I am SO sending out my resume today.