how well do you know your ham & cheese on wry? -- the answers revealed!

So this post is geared to all three or four of you who actually took the quiz. Oh how the rest of you disappoint me! Those of you who did take the quiz legitimately (and no, Grace, you don't qualify), I'll be contacting you about the wee gift you'll be receiving. The rest of y'all can suck it. And I mean that in the nicest way possible, of course.

1. Which condiment do I loathe?
(a) Mustard
(b) Ketchup
(c) Mayonnaise
(d) All of the above

I have an irrational fear of mayonnaise. I cannot be persuaded to like it. So don't try. End of discussion.
Related Link: things I'm not ashamed to admit... but probably should be

2. True or False: I like stucco.

False-a-rooni! If I may quote myself, "Texture freaks me the fuck out." So cement bumps? Ewww!
Related Link: weirdo

3. Where did I buy my bike?
(a) REI
(b) Modell's
(c) K-Mart
(d) Nowhere. I totally stole it from Lance Armstrong.

Lance's titanium lock foiled my attempt at theft so I got over my shame and made a purchase at K-Mart. J'adore my Kick-Ass K-Mart Bike.
Related Link: curly's big adventure

4. Which term did The Lovely Jess and I coin to describe a straight woman who is the platonic friend of a lesbian?
(a) Less-bian
(b) Rug rat
(c) Sapphony
(d) In denial

The Lovely Jess solicited suggestions from her readership and then I wrote up a wee press release announcing our tacky term. Even if no one else cares, I for one am proud of our joint effort to represent this minority. If we don't speak out for the rug rats, who will?
Related Links: hear ye, hear ye and curly's platonic girlfriend

5. Which NY-1 personality do I think needs to be beaten?
(a) Pat Kiernan
(b) George Whipple
(c) Shelley Goldberg
(d) Gary Anthony Ramsay

George Whipple would seem like the obvious answer but that man needs to be tweezed more than beaten. I don't like him very much but Shelley Goldberg, the parenting expert, makes me positively irate. If I were to encounter her in the street, I can't guarantee that I wouldn't inflict severe bodily harm. I suppose I just ruined whatever chances I had of making the NYer of the Week...
Related Link: things i've pondered in front of the tv this morning while drinking my chock full o' nuts

6. True or False: I like Creed.

Hate them with a passion. But I love the fact that Scott Stapp is having a really bad week.
Related Link: frequently asked questions

7. Who is my favorite Beatle?
(a) Ringo
(b) George
(c) Paul
(d) Dung

Listening to "I Dig Love" right now as a matter of fact.
Related Link: george and remedy

8. Where was I when a stranger sucked my toes?
(a) Nine West
(b) Central Park
(c) Fetish convention
(d) NYC subway

I thought that would be easy to guess even if you didn't know the story. It's the subway, for fuck's sake...
Related Link: my left foot

9. Which singer did I compare myself to (looks-wise) after perusing high-school era photos of myself in a family album?
(a) Corey Hart
(b) John Oates
(c) Englebert Humperdink
(d) Kenny Loggins

My dark, curly mullet and hint of a 'stache made me look very similar to the shorter half of Hall & Oates (unfortunately). Although, I have to say that John's aged better than Hall who now looks eerily similar to Vincent from Beauty & The Beast.
Related Link: on bridal showers and bad fashion sense

10. What television show inspired a precocious 8-year-old me to ask my flustered parents, "What's a virgin?"?
(a) The Facts of Life
(b) Family Ties
(c) Romper Room
(d) The Love Boat

I learned that word during a vignette starring Erin from The Waltons and the curly-haired brunette dude from CHiPs. He was the cop who drove a patrol car, not a motorcycle. He wanted to get into Erin's pants but was stonewalled by her decision to not give up The Big V. Needless to say, my parents did not appreciate my recap and follow-up questions.
Related Link: long before the fcc...

11. What song did some kid in Prospect Park sing to me?
(a) "I Am Woman" by Helen Reddy
(b) "Thousand Miles" by Vanessa Carlton
(c) "Ten Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed" by Unknown
(d) "You Can Do It (Put Your Ass Into It)" by Ice Cube

I was serenaded by a little boy to point out my obvious whiteness. That kid totally housed me. I had no good reply. Well played, fucker.
Related Link: this here sucka got served

12. True or False: Someone found this site by Googling "comebacks for if someone calls you a freckle fart"

That term and "diapered by younger sister" still make me giggle.
Related Link: in the merry old land of oz

13. Which hirsute actor did I have an erotic dream about?
(a) Robin Williams
(b) Steve Carell
(c) Alec Baldwin
(d) Mr. Snuffleupagus

Oh how I wish (d) was the right answer. What a blog entry that would have made!
Related Link: here's an interesting question for ya...

14. Which of the following cartoon characters did I call "a cunt"?
(a) Penelope Pitstop
(b) Alexandra from Josie & The Pussycats
(c) Betty Rubble
(d) Peppermint Patty

Don't front. You know she totally is.
Related Link: on thanksgiving and why i think peppermint patty is a big ol' bitch

15. Which of the following cartoon characters did I call "a total douche bag"?
(a) Tom from Tom & Jerry
(b) Albert the Mouse from 'Twas the Night Before Christmas
(c) Mr. Slate from The Flintstones
(d) Elmer Fudd

See above.
Related Link: the alan alda sensitivity project: holiday edition

16. Which of the following TV dads did I call "a bit of a buttinsky"?
(a) Tony Micelli from Who's the Boss?
(b) Jason Seaver from Growing Pains
(c) Steve Douglas from My Three Sons
(d) Charles Ingalls from Little House on the Prairie

Mejack disagrees but I still maintain that Pa totally had a God complex and wasn't shy about spreading God's love in the form of a good ass-kicking.
Related Link: the alan alda sensitivity project or what i learned from TV

17. Which of the following celebrities does NOT have bad breath according to me?
(a) Bill O'Reilly
(b) Frances Sternhagen
(c) Christopher Guest
(d) Jeff Goldblum

Christopher Guest can do no wrong in my eyes. I don't have it on good authority that the rest of them have stanky breath but they just look like they do. Work with me.
Related Link: olfactory onomatopoeia

18. Which cereal did I magically produce from my pajamas one morning?
(a) Total
(b) Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch
(c) Grape Nuts
(d) Cream of Wheat

I've pitched this trick to David Blaine but so far, he hasn't returned any of my calls. If I feel like slumming, I guess I'll give David Copperfield a ring.
Related Link: watch me make this peanut butter cap'n crunch disappear

19. Which brand of beer did I throw at a roach in my apartment?
(a) Rolling Rock
(b) Pete's Wicked Ale
(c) Leffe
(d) Brooklyn Lager

I wouldn't waste good Leffe or Brooklyn on a pest. No, I lie. My fear of vermin exceeds my beer snobbery by a mile. Or snobbery of any beverage, really. Hell, I would douse a bug with Cristal if I had to.
Related Link: extermination alternatives

20. True or False: I had a childhood crush on Bobby Vinton.

Shut up. His mastery of polka tunes was hot and you know it. For those of you who have NO idea who I'm even talking about, click here.
Related Links: roll out the barrel and things I'm not ashamed to admit... but probably should be

Thanks for playing!