aiming low

Resolutions blow. I never adhere to them so they become yet another thing to make me feel inadequate and disappointed in myself. Therefore, I'm setting the bar low this year. Here's what I promise to do/not to do over the next 12 months:

1. Use the terms "shitcanned" and "hoodwinked" more often.

2. Check for moles. And by moles, I mean the rodent, not the alarming spots cropping up on my fair skin.

3. Curse Al Roker's name at least once a day.

4. Laugh and say, "Sucks to be you" whenever an athlete messes up during the Winter Olympics. (I have a near-perfect track record with this.)

5. Scrap plans to knock over the Franklin Mint.

6. Get the Bartles & James monkey off my back.

7. Refrain from calling anyone's mother a "fat whore."

8. Decline invitation to join the Crips.

9. Eat less lead paint and found debris.

10. Vow not to throw grenades at people... unless, of course, they have it coming.

FYI, I'm off to a really good start with #3 already (suck on it, Al Roker!) Numbers 6 and 7 promise to be a real bitch though. You know what they say about old habits...