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Dear Christian Debt Relief:
Hi guys! How's it hanging? Quick question for you... I've noticed an inordinate amount of emails from you lately promising to hook me up with guaranteed loans and overnight cash advances. While the offer is tempting, I'd be remiss if I didn't ask about the fine print.

Namely, I have to wonder if these offers, made in the name of Christian charity, will be rescinded once you discover that not only do I lick beaver, I also enjoy it. Very much so, in fact. Oh and I plan to do it again! Sooner than later, with any luck!

So, like, if I were to use one of your loans to buy me, say... a strap-on at Toys in Babeland or a subscription to On Our Backs magazine, you guys would be cool with that? Or does my penchant for poking around in another girl's No-No Place disqualify me? If not... where do I sign?!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go troll the Christian Singles Dating site. They're also showing a lot of interest in my business lately. If their policy is as liberal as yours, well, I think I may have just hit paydirt! You see, I have it all worked out -- I'll take the dough you provide to book a trip to P-town where I'll use my newly acquired stash o' toys from Babeland to pleasure one (or several) of the hot, repressed ladies I meet on that site. Don't you just love synchronicity?

God bless you,
Curly McDimple