wanna be startin' somethin'

I'm not going to say much about my personal response to the Michael Jackson verdict because, well, what is there to say that hasn't been said already? And, besides, this ain't that kind of blog anyway. Informed, lucid discussion of our legal system?! Surely you MUST be joking.

I want to focus instead on what I do best -- criticizing people. Namely those dumbass Jackson supporters standing outside the courthouse for the entire trial.

Let's gloss over their obvious signs of mental distress and dementia: sobbing uncontrollably and/or collapsing at the sight of that half-plastic monstrosity; skipping work for weeks on end to scream themselves hoarse while holding up signs such as "Innocent Until Proved [sic] Innocent"; releasing doves after the verdict; apologizing to him on behalf of all mankind for his ordeal, blah, blah, blah.

To poke fun at this sort of behavior is like shooting fish in a barrel. What I want to focus on specifically are the "taunts" MJ fans hurled at the prosecution and members of the media they considered biased against the defense. I'm hesitant to even use the word hurled because their taunts were so lame and sophomoric that they fell limply out of the mouths of the gathered throngs. Ain't no hurling that went on there. Their delivery was more like a weak toss from the spazziest kid in gym class.

Here are a few that caught my eye:

1. "Cut your filthy hair! Cut your filthy hair!"
This was said to Santa Maria Times columnist Steve Corbett who has a rather unruly 'do. Yeah, I'm sure he ran right out for a shampoo and cut after that scathing critique. Seriously, was that the best they could come up with? The length and cleanliness of a man's hair? The dude's schlubby, knows it and doesn't care. Move on.
Grade: D

2. "Tom Sneddon, you're a cold man!"
At first I was all "What the fuck?!?! They consider that mean and hurtful?!?!" But apparently, they were paraphrasing an actual Michael Jackson song called "DB" which was written several years ago as a thinly-veiled slap at the DA (after his failed attempt to convict Jackson the first time). Whatever, it's still weak.
Grade: C-

3. "Diane Dimond is very, very ugly."
The Court TV correspondent really felt the brunt of it. The mob not only ragged on her appearance, but they also saddled her with monikers such as "Diane Demon" and "Diane Dipstick." Oooooh, the torment! I'm sure Diane went home and cried into her pillow each and every night. Lame.
Grade: D-

4. "Michael: Ireland Believes in You"
This was a sign held up by Seany O'Kane of Northern Ireland. Um, I have a problem with Seany speaking for an entire country. If Bono was accused of diddling a wee'un, I'd have no problem with Seany's declaration of support on behalf of all of Ireland. He's Bono, for fuck's sake. But MJ, while an international superstar, is quite the polarizing figure and psst!... not Irish.

Seany, you're entitled to your opinion but kindly speak for yourself and you know, maybe NOT millions of people. I know for a fact that several of my Irish relatives and friends think that Michael Jackson is a wanker of the highest order. So you might want to rethink your wording. Like maybe drop the "reland" and then fix the subject-verb agreement accordingly. Because, after all, according to your man's website, "The truth runs marathons." If that's the case, your bold proclamation tripped over its shoelaces and did a face plant right after the starting gun.
Grade: F

You know, I considered writing a sentence or two warning the Jackson trolls to fuck off if they took issue with my thoughts. But then again, what's the worse they can say to me? My five-year-old niece is capable of throwing down a better diss. As it stands, she could house these fools with a well-executed raspberry. And don't think I won't unleash her if and when the time comes. Look out!