the reviews are in

Today I discovered that my site is the #1 Google result for "farting sandal noise." I love that! It does me proud. In fact, I told Jess that if I were to ever create fake reviews of my site, I'd totally use that statistic. Hell, since my mind is hobbled by a rather potent prescription drug cocktail and I don't feel like thinking too much, I'm going to go ahead and do just that. So without further ado, I present to you phony reviews of my site based on some other keyword searches...

"Four stars! A reliable source when wanting to know 'five pounds of ham feeds how many people?'"
-- MSN

"Ham & Cheese on Wry scores with its winning portrayal of a 'nun eating shit out of a priest's ass'!"*
-- Yahoo

"The undisputed authority on 'foot sniffing.' A real crowd-pleaser!"
-- Google UK

"Plaudits! There's no finer resource for 'removing cat urine from suede.'"
-- Yahoo

"When it comes to providing 'peed dry swimsuit' information, Curly McDimple has no peer."
-- Google UK

* Um, I've NEVER written about such a practice on this here blog. OMG, ewwwwwwwww! I may have used all of those words separately, but not in that foul context, I assure you. I have my issues with The Church but that's just naaaaaaaaaaazzdy, yo. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to say a good Act of Contrition...