the lost boy

Can we discuss Corey Haim for a second? Truthfully, I had all but forgotten about the boy but I read a rather fascinating interview with him in the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly and I need to get a few things off my chest.

Now, I loved him in Lucas (one of my all-time favorite movies, by the by) and thought he was just dandy in The Lost Boys [thou shaaaall not kiiiiiiiillllllll!]. But after those films (and the insufferable License to Drive), he quickly faded from my memory.

Even so, I always found him to be the more tolerable of the two Coreys. Actually, I have to say that I quite liked Corey Feldman in Gremlins, Stand by Me and The Goonies but then he went all Michael Jackson on us in the late 80s (long after the Thriller hysteria had died down, I might add). After that, I really had no use for him. And I feel totally vindicated based on his behavior on the first season of The Surreal Life. The dude's a nut.

But back to Corey Haim... I really did forget the guy existed. But now, thanks to this EW article, his memory has completely infested my psyche and won't soon go away:

Q&A with License to Drive star Corey Haim
The former teen star tells EW about his trademark smirk and staying in touch with Corey Feldman
by Mandi Bierly

The Special Edition of "the Coreys" comedy License to Drive gave EW an excuse to call up the ever-earnest 33-year-old "Haimster" in his native Toronto

In his commentary, director Greg Beeman describes you as at the peak of your power. What was your power?
I'm assuming he means my adlibbing. It's one of my special things that I feel maybe I was just born with. I can turn a "Hey, nice to see you" into "Hey, what's up? What's goin' down, man? Good to see you" and kind of make it more real.

He also refers to you as "one of the best-driving actors I've ever worked with."
I've always had a knack for hitting the mark perfectly. Even when I'm walking or running, I'm very good at not having to look down. And I've done everything, including snowboarding [in 1996's Snowboard Academy]. That was the hardest to hit my mark on.

In your interview, you express some regret over your slack jaw.
I had a bad problem. At the premiere, Cloris Leachman came up to me and said, "You know, that smirk you have is cute, but sometimes it looks a little fake." And I'm like, "Well, hey, that's my smile, you know. Thanks." And she was like, "Well, I would definitely do something about the opening of the mouth. You can practice closing it a little more." That comment really helped me.

Do you still do it?
[Yells] Ma, do I keep my mouth open still? [She answers no.]

When was Corey Haim at his best?
I would say Lucas. I'm not one of these actors who, like, get Method on ya. But for me to turn into a nerd, who is much smarter than he should be and has a different way of looking at life, it was the most Method. That and Silver Bullet, where I'm a paraplegic.

What's the biggest misconception about Coreys Haim and Feldman?
People are actually mistaking me for him. I'm not sayin' I'm any better than him. But I just don't see how it's possible: He's got very dark hair and he's very much an American. I'm blond and very much a Canadian. How can there be a question of who's who? But I'm sure it happens to a lot of people with the same name.

Will the Coreys work together again?
If we do another movie one day, I just hope there won't be any competition, because there will be none coming from me. I love the kid. To this day, if I call him, he'll be like, "Who's this?" And I'll be like, "Haimster." He's like, "What's up?" "What's up, Feldog?" It's all good.

Oh, where to begin? Several things jump out at me immediately:

1) Corey Haim's misguided notion that he possesses anything remotely resembling good improv skills

2) How sad is it when even Corey Fucking Feldman says, "Who's this?"

3) Corey Haim not only lives with his mother at age 33 but he needs her to verify that he's a big boy who's learned to close his mouth

4) Which brings me to the Cloris Leachman comment... I'm not sure telling someone to stop catching flies can or should actually be considered valuable acting advice. OMG, can you imagine if Corey Haim ever won an award? His acceptance speech might go a little something like this:

"And to Cloris Leachman... I can't say enough about her. The day she said to me, 'You there! Stop that peeing in those bushes! And leave your nose alone! What? Are you digging for gold?' Well, that was just a turning point. Cloris, that was so valuable and inspirational and I have only you to thank for this Cable ACE Award. You are my mentor and the next wedgie I pick (discreetly, of course) will be in your honor!"

Um, this is starting to get into crazy Peppermint Patty territory. On that note, good night everybody!