a real-life bugle boy moment

So I'm on the subway on my way home from work tonight minding my own beeswax and listening to "How Soon Is Now?" by The Smiths. At Times Square, a rather large family got on the train. Among them, one was in a wheelchair, another was wearing rollerblades, one had bad bangs... and all were loud and insane. The minute they entered, the atmosphere on the train immediately turned from the usual indifference to dread. It was about 10:00 pm and the locals were tired and not in the mood. We collectively sensed that these people were going to annoy the shit out of us.

A word to the wise to those of you planning to use the subway on your next trip to the Big Apple: If you're attending with a large group or organization and find yourselves using public transportation, kindly congregate in one general area of the train and use your inside voices.

Oh and while I'm on the topic of subway etiquette, either sit down or HOLD ON TO THE MOTHERFUCKING POLE! Unless you're a regular rider, you WILL lose your balance when the train moves. Hell, even regulars get wobbly once in awhile. It's simple physics, people. If you do go flailing about the car, quickly compose yourself and suffer the shame of your clumsy ways in silence. Contrary to popular opinion, we don't think it's entertaining or all that original when people make a spectacle of said loss of balance with flapping arms and repeated exclamations of, "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!" Seriously, Shecky, grab onto something bolted down when you get on and let that be the end of it. Repeat after me: Pratfalls are NOT funny, especially during rush hour.

But back to the merry band of big mouths... the youngest girl took an immediate liking to me and practically sat on my lap. When her mother commanded her to sit closer, the girl protested and grabbed on to my leg to hold her ground. Again with the strangers and the unwanted touching on the subway! What the hell?!? Luckily, she relented shortly after and left me alone.

I immediately went back to my newspaper and iPod and let The Smiths and the dire state of the world numb the pain. And then one of the rowdies addressed me. Her voice cut right through Morrissey's hypnotic warbling: "YOU HAVE AN iPOD!" I looked up at her and kinda went, "Huh?" She repeated,"YOU HAVE AN iPOD!" To which I shrugged and replied, "Uh... yeah?" I waited for a follow-up but that was the end of it. Not another word from her. Instead, she seamlessly rejoined the hyperactivity already in progress.

The girl likes to think out loud I guess. I bet she reads signs out loud in the car too. Not for informational purposes -- just because. My mother is the same way. She simply cannot pass a billboard or mileage sign without announcing its contents. It's totally annoying. But then again, I can't go near a Pier One Imports without doing an Elwood Blues impersonation. We all have our quirks.

But given my subway luck of late, I'm seriously considering investing in a "Do Not Disturb" sign. Either that or a glock.