my shit list for today (abridged)

1. People who walk their dogs on REALLY long leashes. The dogs and their owners in my neighborhood zig zag all over the sidewalk thereby blocking safe passage, causing me to jump hurdles on my way to work. When more than one dog is involved, it's like an elaborate game of Chinese Jump Rope or Cat's in the Cradle except with your feet. I heart dogs very much but I'm going to take a pair of scissors to those clothesline-sized leashes on my next jaunt.

2. The man with child-bearing hips who insisted on wedging his fat ass in the empty seat between me and another person on the subway this morning. Nothing makes me hotter than someone's enormous polyester-clad thighs chafing against mine. Not that there's ever a good time for it but it's even worse before I've had my first cup of coffee.

3. The fucking mosquitoes who attacked me over the weekend with a potent time-release biting technique. I woke up on Monday to find my inner thigh littered with bites. As the week progressed, others have emerged in the general area plus on the other leg, my left ankle and my right elbow. These are quite possibly the itchiest bites I've ever received. I even Googled home remedies since the Cortaid wasn't cutting it. FYI, apply toothpaste or rub a dry bar of soap over the bites. The latter has yet to prove its worth but I like the idea of using Lever 2000 over gooey Crest.

4. The folks behind the ad campaign at Little Debbie Snacks. Kids serenading snack cakes with "My Girl"??!!? Who dreamt this up? Does this really inspire the consumer to purchase Oatmeal Creme Pies? I, for one, no longer want to eat Swiss Cake Rolls, which I quite like. I am hereby boycotting them until they stop aggravating me with this campaign. Furthermore, I hate this company for making write the word "snack" twice. I detest that word. Shame on you, Little Debbie. Shame!

5. Jay Leno. Just because.

Damn, now I want a Swiss Cake Roll.