it's all fun and games until someone gets pelted with a coors light
Those of you who read my blog with any regularity are well aware of my seemingly normal family life. I've got the British immigrant parents who raised their four daughters to behave in public and at family gatherings in such a way as to not incite gossip and whispering. Even though I can be quite potty-mouthed in this forum and with my friends, I don't dare curse in the company of my parents, relatives and/or the elderly. My sisters are all the same. I don't mean to imply that my parents are stodgy and overly restrictive but we can enjoy a good laugh without introducing bodily functions and overt sexual references into the mix. I kinda dig this aspect to our relationship. I don't really need or want to hear my mother or father telling off-color jokes. I really don't.
I have two first cousins on my mother's side who are the exact opposite of us. Even though they are the spawn of my mother's brother, they could not be more different.
The female cousin owns a McMansion near the Jersey Shore and insists on hosting most holidays there. A party at her house wouldn't be complete without Costco meatballs, fart jokes and some sort of altercation between her feuding in-laws. And they can get really ugly. There are profane tirades, overturned chairs and dramatic exits. While it still shocks and appalls us, my immediate family has grown quite used to it. We just stand back and let the sparks fly... and then talk about them the whole way home, of course.
The only one who can't get over it is my mother. She's the link in this family chain yet she's the most offended by these gatherings. She has yet to successfully figure out how to tune out the male cousin who takes great pleasure in sitting next to her with a steaming plate of beans while singing, "Beans beans are good for your heart..." Um, the male cousin is 34 years old.
The female cousin has a mouth on her that could peel paint. You do NOT want to get on her bad side as she will tear you a new one in seconds flat. Her choice of language makes my mother's ears bleed. One year, the male cousin thought it would be funny to play horsey on his knee with one of his nieces. Too bad she was wearing a loaded diaper and was very prone to diaper rash. Once the female cousin saw what was happening, she screamed, "How would you like your ass caked with a diaper full of shit?!?" Oh, she's a classy one that cousin o' mine. My mother looked at my cousin with such contempt. It borders on hatred at times, I think.
The female cousin's mother-in-law is also a piece of work. She gets into fights at most, if not all, of these events. At last year's gala, she barely dodged a beer that came flying at her after she mouthed off at someone. That's no small feat considering she's morbidly obese and not exactly agile. She's also very blunt and spares no one with her take on situations. There are usually no less than three dogs running around at these functions. One of them has a severe reaction to table food and is not allowed anywhere near it. A guest did not know this and was about to feed the wee corgie when the mother-in-law bellowed from her perch in the kitchen, "Don't feed the dawg table food!!! She gets dia-rear!" [spelled phonetically for emphasis]. Ah, such a heartwarming soundtrack to the Christmas dinner.
This weekend's party saw a near fistfight between a man and a woman. Apparently there was some leftover bad blood from another party and it surfaced in the form of a lashing with a wet pool noodle. For real. All I know is that I was bouncing with my niece and a few other kids on a trampoline when the fracas took place. My nosy gene took hold and I jumped off the trampoline leaving a bunch of small kids bouncing precariously in my wake. I missed most of the good stuff but the arguments and related dust-ups that followed were quite entertaining.
I think at the next event where people are somewhat well-behaved, I'll announce my lesbianism at a really inopportune moment to keep the Springer-like atmosphere going. Every family needs a tradition after all.
I have two first cousins on my mother's side who are the exact opposite of us. Even though they are the spawn of my mother's brother, they could not be more different.
The female cousin owns a McMansion near the Jersey Shore and insists on hosting most holidays there. A party at her house wouldn't be complete without Costco meatballs, fart jokes and some sort of altercation between her feuding in-laws. And they can get really ugly. There are profane tirades, overturned chairs and dramatic exits. While it still shocks and appalls us, my immediate family has grown quite used to it. We just stand back and let the sparks fly... and then talk about them the whole way home, of course.
The only one who can't get over it is my mother. She's the link in this family chain yet she's the most offended by these gatherings. She has yet to successfully figure out how to tune out the male cousin who takes great pleasure in sitting next to her with a steaming plate of beans while singing, "Beans beans are good for your heart..." Um, the male cousin is 34 years old.
The female cousin has a mouth on her that could peel paint. You do NOT want to get on her bad side as she will tear you a new one in seconds flat. Her choice of language makes my mother's ears bleed. One year, the male cousin thought it would be funny to play horsey on his knee with one of his nieces. Too bad she was wearing a loaded diaper and was very prone to diaper rash. Once the female cousin saw what was happening, she screamed, "How would you like your ass caked with a diaper full of shit?!?" Oh, she's a classy one that cousin o' mine. My mother looked at my cousin with such contempt. It borders on hatred at times, I think.
The female cousin's mother-in-law is also a piece of work. She gets into fights at most, if not all, of these events. At last year's gala, she barely dodged a beer that came flying at her after she mouthed off at someone. That's no small feat considering she's morbidly obese and not exactly agile. She's also very blunt and spares no one with her take on situations. There are usually no less than three dogs running around at these functions. One of them has a severe reaction to table food and is not allowed anywhere near it. A guest did not know this and was about to feed the wee corgie when the mother-in-law bellowed from her perch in the kitchen, "Don't feed the dawg table food!!! She gets dia-rear!" [spelled phonetically for emphasis]. Ah, such a heartwarming soundtrack to the Christmas dinner.
This weekend's party saw a near fistfight between a man and a woman. Apparently there was some leftover bad blood from another party and it surfaced in the form of a lashing with a wet pool noodle. For real. All I know is that I was bouncing with my niece and a few other kids on a trampoline when the fracas took place. My nosy gene took hold and I jumped off the trampoline leaving a bunch of small kids bouncing precariously in my wake. I missed most of the good stuff but the arguments and related dust-ups that followed were quite entertaining.
I think at the next event where people are somewhat well-behaved, I'll announce my lesbianism at a really inopportune moment to keep the Springer-like atmosphere going. Every family needs a tradition after all.
Labels: booze, family, farts, new jersey
posted by curly mcdimple @ 4:39 PM :: permalink :: ::
