this here sucka got served

I realize what I'm about to say is going to make me sound like a crotchety old coot but fuck it, I'm going to say it anyway: Kids these days have no respect for their elders. Now, when it comes to verbal slings and arrows, I can give as well as I can get. But what exactly do you do when a young boy gets all up in your stuff with very informed, painfully-sharp barbs? Is it okay to match wits and throw down a few salty insults despite the age difference? I have no idea.

I took the Kick-Ass K-mart Bike out for a spin yesterday to Prospect Park. After a few laps, I stopped at one of those ice cream/hot dog/soda carts to buy a bottle of water. There were about 4 kids in line in front of me and they were undecided about what kind of ice cream they wanted. They couldn't have been more than 10 years of age but still, they were accusing the vendor of extreme mark-up with some very adult language. They had limited funds so while they argued amongst themselves about what to spend their money on, the vendor asked me what I wanted.

"A bottle of water, please."

The kids all turned around to see where the voice came from and the boy of the group said to me, "Nice bike."

It didn't seem sarcastic and the bike is nice after all so I offered a polite thanks as I fished through my wallet for money. Under his breath in a tone dripping with 'tude, he said, "Not as good as mine but whatever..."

He can make fun of my bike all he wants but I didn't appreciate the muttering so I called him on it. I said, "Excuse me?" to which he replied with a sassy, "I didn't say nothing." One of the girls said to him, "Why you always gotta be commenting and shit?" Apparently there's a history of his mouthing off to strangers.

The vendor handed me my water and my change and as I was getting ready to leave it be and just ride away, that little shit started singing that song from that car scene in White Chicks: "Making my way downtown, blah blah blah."

Forget the obvious racial implications, but as someone who deplores Top 40, I was really offended. That kid totally burned me. Call me a whitey, honkey or whatever but to suggest that I like -- who even sings that? Michelle Branch? -- well, that's just over the line. Furthermore, I own not one Sheryl Crow CD, I think Jewel is snaggle-toothed tool and the appeal of Jagged Little Pill is totally lost on me. "Vagina Rock" as a whole does absolutely nothing for me.

Now if this kid stuck his tongue out or called me a poopie head or something more in line with his age group, I would have easily brushed it off. However, his smart ass-itude was well beyond his years. My instinct was to totally work the little fucker over but I had nothing. Well, no, that's not true -- I had a few REALLY inappropriate comments at the ready but thankfully I had enough sense not to use them. Instead, I had to reach into the adult (read: lame) arsenal and I replied, "Oh yeah, well I don't even like that song."

Believe me, I realized how pathetic it was as soon as it came out. I felt like I was in grade school again except at least back then, I had enough sense to just ignore those kids who made fun of me. Silence is much better than a half-assed comeback. Oh, I wish I used the same approach this time. His reply: "I ain't trying to hear what you like or what you don't, see!"

Ouch. He sounded really mean when he said it. I was shocked at the amount of venom behind it. What's worse is that for a second, I considered asking where his mother was and if she knew he spoke to grown-ups like that. Gasp! What's happening to me? Uh yeah, I guess I'm ready to start sporting those Mom jeans now. Before long, I'll be scrapbooking and hosting Party Lite demonstrations and Pampered Chef parties in my home. Send help.