no gas shortage here

So I replied to a woman through Craigslist this past week and she immediately wrote back and gave me her phone number. Truthfully, the immediacy of her response and the request to be called right away set off some alarms in my head but I ignored them. I proceeded because I haven't had much dating success lately and I'm making a concerted effort to be less of a fussy pants. So I called and left her a message. I didn't hear from her for a day or two and actually, I was glad. I received her picture after I called her and well, she's just not my type. She dresses like a suburban mom. I'm no fashion plate but even on my worst day, I could never be confused with someone who shot out three kids and regularly attends PTA meetings.

When I hadn't heard back from her, I thought I dodged a bullet. However, I returned home last night to find a message from her on the machine. D'oh! She rambled on for a good 10 minutes and left several phone numbers and spelled out her email address to ensure that I'd call or write back. Halfway through her blather, her voice sounded rather muffled. I thought it was the machine or a bad connection but then she said, "Excuuuuuuuuuse me! I just burped. Well, actually, burped is the polite word. Belched is more like it!" Um, is she TRYING to make me hate her?!?! If I'm in a love with a woman, she can fart and belch up a storm and I'll think it's charming. If a woman does that during the getting-to-know-you stage, she's finished. I was beyond grossed out.

A few years ago a woman contacted me through an online dating site. We emailed back and forth a bit and decided a phone call was in order. She sent me a picture on the day we had scheduled our chat. She was wearing a baseball cap and Tevas. I believe both should be worn for function, not fashion. If you're not on a beach or near a marina, take them sandals off before I strangle you with the Velcro straps. She was already at a disadvantage but I went through with the phone call anyway. The conversation was as dry as toast. Boooooring. Also, I don't know if she had recently consumed soda or what but she did quite a few of those barely audible burp-and-blows. I was horrified. "So I live on ::burp-whew!:: Long Island ::burp-whew!:: and I ::burp-whew!:: like to ::burp-whew!:: go the movies ::burp-whew!:: and watch ::burp-whew!:: Ally McBeal. What ::burp-whew!:: about ::burp-whew!:: you?" That girl is lucky the answer wasn't a dial tone.

I didn't think I'd have to say this, but to all potential suitors, if you're feeling a touch gassy, kindly press the mute button. If one does sneak out, as in the most recent case, just keep talking and don't even acknowledge it. I know I said I wanted to stop being so particular, but courtesy -- and an appropriate level of shame -- will forever remain mandatory.