a letter to the guy in charge of inventory at my key food

Dear Kind Sir/Madam:

First of all, let me say, job well done on restocking the milk chocolate/vanilla Häagen-Daz ice cream bars. I was pleased to see that you replenished the freezer with options that don't have strawberry ice cream on the inside and weird crunchy shit on the outside. Plaudits for reading my mind. It's like you knew I mentally cursed you and the fruit of your loins on my last jaunt to the supermarket. Impressive.

I am pleased with the new arrival of oat bran pita and whole wheat flat bread. This ensures that I will forever remain Toufayan's bitch. Wakim can have his/her/its way with me too as his/her/its Hummus with Roasted Garlic, in particular, is positively delightful. I have to say that I find it a wee bit odd that such fabulous Middle Eastern fare comes from Bristol, PA, of all places. But who am I to question these things? That shit is good.

You also carry a dizzying array of croutons for which I'm grateful. The ever-present bags of 50-cent pasta in Aisle 3 have gotten me through many a lean financial spell. Your cookie and cereal offerings are quite stellar especially considering the pokey size of the establishment. Again, a round of applause for anticipating and catering to what my finicky palate enjoys.

But I do have a complaint. Based on the overflowing refrigerator case, clearly your patrons are not big fans of the Coors Brewing Company, Anheuser-Busch and that ilk. And judging by the ubiquitous weekly specials, I dare say we don't really care much for the Magic Hat or Sierra Nevada either. Furthermore, Corona sits untouched on the shelf like the homely girl at the school dance and Michelob is that girl's even dumpier friend.

My point is, we don't dig those beers. It would behoove you and your bottom line to heed our buying patterns going forward. Occasionally, some pathetic soul will come in and break up a six-pack by buying one -- and only one -- bottle or can of Budweiser or Coors Light. But don't mistake those rather random, desperate purchases for brand loyalty. [Ed note: I wish crabs upon people who ruin a perfectly good six pack of my beer by removing one!!! I don't want a blended family of beers! I hate to see an orphaned beer in a cardboard container not its own. It's tragic.]

Haven't you noticed that all of the Smutty Nose disappears rather quickly? Same goes for the various beverages created by the venerable Brooklyn Brewery. Guinness and Harp are always popular and none of us would turn our noses up at a Killian's or Stella either. I have noticed an increase in the amount of Pabst Blue Ribbon lately which I find troublesome. However, I do realize you have to cater to the needs of everyone... even if they are fucktard hipsters.

My primary concern is your haphazard ordering of Hoegaarden. [pause for orgasm] Some days it's there and others, not a trace. This leads me to believe that I'm not the only one in the neighborhood who enjoys a good tug on this fine Belgian beer. The paltry five 6-packs you order are clearly not satisfying the demand. Sometimes you supply us with the inferior Leffe which I'll drink out of desperation but it's not my first choice. If you think limited Häagen-Daz raises my ire, just you wait and see when I go without my beer for a few days.

Now I'm not threatening you or anything but let's just say that it's in everyone's best interest if you kindly up the Hoegaarden numbers when talking to your supplier. While you have him or her on the phone, you might want to rethink the amount of malt liquor on that order form. If I have to move one more six-pack of Smirnoff Ice to get to my beer, I'm going to go off. Seriously, dude, exercise some restraint. But other than that, good show!

Warmest regards,
Curly McDimple